ARPAD, Utah (BS) — An Arpad man was found dead in the street next to his mailbox on Monday afternoon, authorities report. Forty-seven year old Lucius Poke, of the 1200 block of Longfield Road, was the apparent victim of a fatal shock, according to Sgt. Dwight Barela of the Arpad Police Department. “We discovered the victim on his back, clutching a copy of UltraRunning magazine,” said Barela. “Early indications are that the victim received his June issue of the magazine on the afternoon of June 15, about two months sooner than subscribers typically expect the delivery. Receiving the magazine on time was unprecedented and it’s clear the deceased was overwhelmed by the shock.”

Asked why passersby left Poke lying in the street over the weekend before finally calling the authorities on Monday, a neighbor explained, “He didn’t start smelling bad until Monday morning.” Judy Poke, widow of the deceased, indicated it is not unusual for her husband to die unexpectedly. “Ol’ Loosh is a bit of a drama queen. Still, that magazine’s never been delivered but two months after the date on the cover. My Loosh had grounds to up and die, you ask me.”

When reached for comment via email, Don Allison, publisher and editor of UltraRunning, responded “Please do NOT direct questions regarding subscriptions or subscription-related deaths (accidental or otherwise) to this address. Please direct such inquiries to: subscriptions@ultrarunning.com and subscriptionrelateddeaths@ultrarunning.com, respectively. And tell Judy that Loosh still owes me five bucks from the Indiana-Ohio State game.” Subsequent inquiries sent to both addresses were answered with the same message: “It is against company policy to comment on an ongoing investigation. And don’t forget to tell Judy about the five bucks.”

Jurgen Smead, a spokesperson for the U.S. Postal Service, explained, “While the USPS makes every effort to delay delivery of everything but credit card offers, some first class mail inevitably does slip through the cracks, resulting in an on-time delivery, sometimes even to the correct address.” Smead went on, “At 12/1 odds, Kick Up Your Heels looks like a good value to place in the sixth at Belmont. The USPS would place a wager, but Sgt. Barela still owes us five from the Rose Bowl. He said he mailed it, but we’re asking him to send it to us UPS or FedEx. Lucius Poke’s June issue of UltraRunning was a fluke. Really, we can’t even deliver our own birthday cards.”

It isn’t just the post office, according to a source familiar with the UltraRunning magazine’s production cycle. “Everyone in the production chain tries to do their part to frustrate the reader. We want everybody to think they’ve been singled out as targets of a global conspiracy,” said Bill Crudge, press foreman for Meat Printing, Inc., adding, “We shut down the presses all the time for no reason. We’re just bastards when you get right down to it.” Sgt. Barela agreed, saying he believed it was no surprise to him the printers were bastards. “You try collecting on a bet from somebody runs a press or a bindery machine. Can’t do it, they don’t pay,” said Barela.

A memorial service for Lucius Poke will be held at Gertzscholm & Bludder Funeral Home at noon on Sunday if Poke remains dead. “He doesn’t always,” said his widow. “Sometimes, he recovers from this. Back in ’97, when we were living in one of them states begins with “I”, his subscription to Guns, Guns & More Guns came a week early and he was dead for three days before he went back to work. Other times, he don’t. I remember when Skynyrd’s plane went down back in ‘77, he died just on principle. He never got over that. Ol’ Loosh is a sentimental man.” Gertzscholm & Bludder Funeral Home has set up a big screen television so mourners can get NASCAR updates during the race. “There’s a lot of money riding on Gordon,” said funeral home director, Kirily Gertzscholm.

Fearing a recovery, local ultrarunners who had not yet received their subscription planned a vigil for Thursday night. Some arrived Wednesday to pay their respects to Judy, many asking to see the June issue of UltraRunning, “just to get closure,” said one runner, “and also to check the results of a 50K I ran in April. They haven’t updated the web site yet.” Judy Poke welcomed everyone, saying, “There’s more’n a few in that group what still owes ol’ Loosh, God rest his soul.”