OSLO, NORWAY - On his way to accepting eight Nobel prizes, the popular marathoner, Dean Karnazes accidentally cured cancer while rescuing over 6,000 naval personnel on the stranded warship, USS George Washington, a nuclear-powered Nimitz class aircraft carrier. Karnazes, never satisfied with merely walking on water, was engaged in the first trans-oceanic run to accept the prestigious awards when he encountered the ship adrift in the North Atlantic, about 400 nautical miles from the northern Scottish coastal town of Achillkillyeebahstahdmacmacbuie (translating roughly from ancient Celtic to, “Does anyone else smell that, or is it just me?”) The aircraft carrier’s nuclear reactor had days earlier developed a severe case of ennui, claiming it just didn’t see the point to any of it anymore, then shut itself down. After pushing the ship for ten hours across the frigid and storm-tossed ocean, Karnazes—a motivational speaker by trade—was able to inspire the reactor to return to service by means of amusing running-related anecdotes alternated with flashing smiles and lifting up his shirt to reveal rock hard abdominal muscles, “ripped like a prize-fighter’s.” The inspired reactor overheated momentarily, apparently causing a cup of coffee on a nearby console to be atomically restructured. Being a handsome man, Karnazes immediately recognized the transformed coffee as the cure for cancer in addition to general crankiness.

Globally, Karnazes’ mood-altering radioactive coffee eliminated cancer, reduced tensions, and a general peace followed. In a shocking development typical of the aftermath of what will be forever known as World Karnazes Day, Osama bin Laden turned himself in to authorities in Creosote, Nebraska, where he’d been hiding as a successful pest control business owner. Sheriff Jeremiah Willard Bean reported that a remorseful Bin Laden told police, “I’m really, really sorry. I was just really despondent after al Jazeera stopped showing re-runs of Blossom,and I think I was just lashing out, really.” Bean described bin Laden as, “very sad about his mass-murdering conduct, and he’s been praising that Kar…Kanoo…that Kanasta guy for helping him to see the light.”

Upon hearing this news, the Nobel prize committee quickly reconvened and unanimously decided to award Karnazes two more Nobel prizes, in addition to a new one created just for him, the Nobel Gosh What a Swell Guy Award. In Rome, the Pope stepped down, claiming, “This funny hat is too tight, and it’ll look better on that mensch, Karnazawhatzit.” Meanwhile, in London, Queen Elizabeth (a tea drinker) released a statement condemning the Pope as a copycat who stole her own plans to abdicate the throne, turning the entire English empire over to “that dreamy hunk, Deano.” After a cup of Karnazes’ coffee, the Queen apologized for “a big misunderstanding.” Karnazes could not be reached for comment. His spokesperson revealed Karnazes was, “hard at work on his first papal bull and a solution to global warming, which he expected to have implemented by Tuesday, before dinner.”

Elsewhere, 3,408.3 ultra marathoners died from keyboard-related injuries sustained while banging out angry missives, explaining why Dean Karnazes is the Anti-christ, complete with links to articles describing other runners saving American warships, curing cancer and becoming Pope 20 years before Karnazes ever did it. Six surviving runners, having never read Dean’s book, remain in critical, but stable condition at hospitals around North America. “I’m gonna kill ‘im,” said one survivor. “It was bad enough when he was just running, but curing cancer and causing world peace is just more than we can take. As soon as I can get my base back up again, I’m gonna go after him. You watch.” Doctors were guardedly optimistic when questioned about the long-term prognosis of the survivors. “Well, I can’t speak for the others, but Joe Ultra here has had a terrible shock to his ego. We’ve got him on an intravenous drip of gratuitous compliments and the staff is doing their best to convince him he’s really quite fast and sexy. That’s no small order. I mean, look at him--he’s butt ugly and if he were any slower, he’d be going backwards. We hope to have him off the tubes, medical doohickeys, thingamabobs, and that machine that goes ‘ping, ping, ping’ within a few weeks. After that, I can’t say. It’s all up to Joe. He can stop following news reports of Dean, or he can come back here to intensive care for another month. His choice,” said Dr. F.R. Codpiece, head doctor guy at the Atlanta Center for Runners With Sticks Up Their Skinny Butts.