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Third Millennium Almanack
A webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
Number 33, October 31, 2006
In the 6th year of the 21st century
© 2006 Rich Limacher

Happy All Hallows' Eve!



This webzine is mostly supposed to
make you smile
(or, of course, puke)



Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else to...



Baud, what frauds these e-bytes be!


...but then be sure to click back on this for the truly genuine stuff:



Let's z-z-z-zing 'em a little, shall we?


Chair of Contents:

   rare - wisdom - and - fluff
  f                                      e        Happy
  e v e r y t h i n g   -  e l s e    Halloween!
  a                                      d      feetures:
   t                                      b    p on scrolli
  u                                      a    e              n
  r                                       c    e              o
  e                                       k   k               n
ps page numbers are no longer necessary
(because everything is all on one page)

"Feetures" in this issue include:

a)  It's Not There!
b)  Take Me Back To The 1960s
c)  World's Shortest Fairy Tale
d)  I Want A New Stud
e)  Internet Rip-Offs
f)   Yankee Folly of the Day
g)  Yesterday's Quote
h)  How 'bout some Hearse-say?
i)   Video/JavaJive
j)   Dept. of Bumper Sticklers
k)  Photographical Cartoon
l)   Feedback
m) Today's Recommended Website
n)  Halloween Costumes, and
o)  A Real Cool "Trick" (surprise!)


( Q_Q )

It's Not There
by Mid Ink Rick
© 2006
(with apologies, natch, to The [original] Zombies ;)

Well no one told me about shoes
The way they ship
Well no one told me about shoes
The brand I tried
But it's too late to change my order
I got emailed, they said they're sent
But if I check out on my front porch
They're not there.
Well let me tell you online how they looked
Stability, motion control on soles with air--
My mail's in the box, my box is full and tight
But they're not there!

Well no one told me 'bout running stuff
What I should do
Well Google clicked me on to Zombies
'Cuz they all knew
But it's too late to change my order
I knew they'd know, and that they care
The Zombies said they'd sent it
And it's not there.
Well let me tell you online how it looked
Runners' stuff with GU and bars, all packed with care--
My mail's in the box, my box is full and tight
But it's not there!

But it's too late to change my order
It was confirmed, they said it's sent
But if I check out on my front porch
It's not there.
Well let me tell you how it looked online
Ordered shoes with GUs and bars, all packed with care--
My mail's in the box, my box is full and tight
But it's not there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh, brother. That was some "treat," huh?

Ya think they'll "fire" me?

Oh, by the way, you can actually hear part of that old Zombies original tune, in here:


--Thanks to Richard Macknick (who, we think, might have grown up during the 1890s ;-) for forking over this cool and groovy far-out chunk of wacky old moldy funk.

OK, Here's the World's Shortest Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No." And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End.

--Thanks to Greg Valent (who thanks "Kate") for this incredibly impossible whacked-out piece of feminine pipedream.


THIS JUST IN (or very recently OUT):

I Want A New Stud
[with apologies to Weird Al Yankovic ;)...
...who owed it all in the first place
to Huey Lewis & The News]

By C. C. Writers
© 2006

Woh oh oh

I want a new stud
One that won't cross-dress
One that won't try to bake in my stove
One that won't make a genetic mess

I want a new stud
Not a muffin or babe
Don't wanna always hafta be confused
By the sex of a "guy" named Gabe

One that won't raise your eyebrows
One that'll wear men's suits
One who's never gonna stoop ta be object
Of any other man's pursuit

I want a new stud
Named Karnazes I think
One that won't bend my gender
Or cause your Mensch to blink

I want a new stud
Not a bra-wearin' bitch
Not some female division overall champ
Or a back-packin' chump named Rich

One that won't drive me "wiki" with every definition on-line
One who's never gonna take pot-shots nor ever make me duck
Nor cook my goose (nor break my luck)
Or let alla diss daffyness run amuck

Get it?
Grammatical quacks and Daffy Duck
Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack

I want a new stud
Not a sugared goosey-Lucy
Just some other muscle-bound dude who nobody ever asks how
He got the nickname "Brucey"

I want a new stud
Not a cupcake or goose
One that won't wear his pants too tight
And never his T's too loose

One that won't win any ultras
Or "tri" on any day
One who can't stand the kitchen
Or is hot in any way
A "hottie"? There ain't no way!

That's just way too gay, yah yah
Oh, that is just way too gay

Yay yay yay yay
Ooh, that's just way too gay

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

And Now For Some News Your Children Can Use
(in choosing their costumes for Trick or Treating)

"Cute means loot."
                             --Jonathon Brandmeier
                                WLUP-FM Chicago

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Ripped Off the Headlines of the Internet, here's:


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."

--Thanks to Louise Mason for forwarding this in time for Halloween.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

And also from the Internet:

Subject: The Pope v. Sox v. Cubs

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in his Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Chicago White Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Cubs fan from the water.

Then using baseball bats (autographed by Paul Konerko himself), the three heroes in black and grey beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Sox and Cub fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

--Thanks to Jeff Carpenter (who got it from Larry Meekma) for forwarding this just after the Sox just missed the play-offs, and the Cubs ended their season in last place.


Yankee Folly of the Day:

We're waiting for all the negative political ads on TV to backfire. Typically the only picture shown is the candidate being ridiculed and the only name the viewer sees is that of the opponent of the one who produced the ad. Come election day, the names and images MOST in the voter's memory will be those shown on TV. So in most cases, the candidate spending the LEAST on television advertising should win.

There's political "wisdom" for ya.


Yesterday's Quote Worth Remembering:

"It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustice, he sends a tiny ripple of hope; and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."

                                      --Robert F. Kennedy


Hey! Speaking [last time] of Hearses...
(Weren't we speaking of hearses?)

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question, and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years, I've been driving a hearse."

--Thanks again to Greg Valent (who thanks "Gordon") for this spooky-cool bit of whimsy.



Everytime's Repeated Media Message:

* * * * *

It's no secret that one of America's most inventive
founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break"
in the media by not pandering to the tastes of those old
stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with
something completely different all on his own. He published
a simple one-page annual periodical called "Poor Richard's
Almanack" and sold it along the streets and rivers of the
colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business
for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred
seventy-odd years later, you get "Middle Income Richard's
Third Millennium Almanack" soon to be selling along the
buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy,
especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully,
installed on a website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a
huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson,
owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

* * * * *

So far, for the past umpteen issues, this e-rag's been free.
But before the next umpteen are published, however, this
particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away,
and you'll be asked to surrender as many as twelve U.S. dollars,
via credit card or otherwise, to the dictatorial parent company
called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

* * * * *

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this
technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission
and supplications to continue sending in your cards, letters,
ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol'
coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the
above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to
thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts,
the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally,
of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely
distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.

* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment
by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!



"Well, now ain't that a croak?"

                          --("crock" misspelled by) Mid Ink Rick


[start] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * * * * * *



Club Fat Ass:


[end] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * * * * * *

( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )


Quick. Click this . . .


Next time you need a little "inspiration" for your treadmill workout!

( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )


Latest Seen Stuck on the back of a Greyhound
as Sighted by the Department of Bumper Sticklers:

|                                                              |
|            Who Ya Gonna Haul?             |
|                     Bus Coasters                 |


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
                       ~ Dave Barry


_ _

Photographical Cartoon

        \  |  |  \  \  /  |  |  /  |  /
      < Sha-ZAP Flap!!!!! >
        /  /  |  /  |  \  |  \  |  \  \

Kinda gives a whole new meaning to "Buffalo Wings," doesn't it?


( ô-ô )

[Can we get thrown off the air for this?]

/ / \ \ / / \ \ / / \ \ / / \ \ / / \ \ / / \ \ / / \ \

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
                                  ~ Stephen Wright


Yesterday's Feedback:

[start] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *

M. I. Richard:

Thanks for sending your newsletter.
I added a link to Zombie Runner to the Club Fat Ass running website at:

May I kindly suggest a reciprocal link to Club Fat Ass -- Promoters of
oddball endurance events and a healthy outdoor lifestyle
(http://www.clubfatass.com) on your links page at:
http://www.zombierunner.com/links/ ?

Happy Trails,
via e-mail

[Editor's note: Check. All done! See above.]


M. I. Richard:

Just red ur latest ish. What a DISH!

I mself have had some [bad stuff] happnin' with Windows and
Norton... [my computer was] very dynamically #&*!#*!##!!-up due
to which u reefered in Ish #32.

To wit, a three-part tip that may save ya from such sufferin' in the future:

1. Launch Norton and disable the automatic live update feature. It'll nag
you about this, but it'll prevent a recurrence of the problem you just
experienced. It may also improve your machine's performance a bit. It
greatly improved mine! You'll just need to manually update Norton yerself,
say once a week. (It really is necessary if yoo wanna keep the bugs at bay.)

2. Disable the automatic update feature in Windows XP, for the same reason.
Again, you should download/install updates yerself, once every week or two.
But doing it yerself avoids conflicts and gives you control over the
process. It may also improve performance a bit 'cuz Winders ain't sneeking
out to the Innernet while u'r trying to work.

3. Visit a good online store such as www.pcconnection.com and buy an
inexpensive USB hard disk, such as the Maxtor OneTouch III USB 2.0 External
Hard Drive. It comes with backup software. You plug it into a USB port,
install the software, then touch the button on the front of the hard drive.
BANG! It backs up everything you want it to. At the end of each day, just
push that button before you get up from ur desk and you'll have an
up-to-date copy of everything. Then, if the ol' PC (or Winders) [messes] up,
you can throw it away and know that your data is safe inside the Maxtor,
which you can then plug into your next computer. I don't use automatic
backup software (the kind that starts itself) any more because it's more of
a headache to set up and you can't trust it.

Control, man! It's all about MAINTAINING CONTROL!!!

Tim Huddleston
Charleston, NC
via e-mail

[Editor's note: Thanks! All done! Well, two out of the three at least. See also next mail below.]


M. I. Richard:

Howdy, and welcome to the 21st century. Let me orient you to the world.
There is a series of tubes called the Internet. On the Internet are
people who hate Microsoft. If you use their software (and to do so
requires that you agree to their terms and conditions--which you should
read from time to time), it allows you [also] to use their operating system (OS).
[But] these bad people are always trying, and often find, vulnerabilities in
the software. When they do, Microsoft has to change the software to
fix the vulnerabilities.

At first, the vulnerabilities were dumb-ass, to be sure. However, now,
there are convoluted and rare things that can be exploited. It is an
ongoing attack by many people on the Microsoft OS. The dynamic nature
of this attack is why Update Manager is there: As soon as they find a
problem and a fix, you get it so your stuff won't be hacked. People
are exploiting things now that are really hard to defend against.

First, get rid of Norton. Search the web for the Norton file remover,
because once you remove Norton, it is STILL THERE!. Norton does
nothing but slow down your computer operating speed with wasted and
ineffective protection.

Get AVG (search on Google), the free version. The anti-virus updates
are faster than Norton. And, it is free. This is the best anti-virus
out there.

Next, get EWIDO (Google it) and get the free version. It will remove
malware from your computer. However, it is not perfect so we usually
include these three: Microsoft Defender (free), Adaware (free), and
Spybot search and Destroy (free).

In short, Norton is likely the culprit. Get rid of it now. If you
don't like Windows, I will send you Linux. Like your email, it will
run your system without [needing] updates.

It is well known that Norton, especially
System[Works], will kill your computer. Rip it out now!

Linux has had very, very few virus or malware occurrences. There is
very good protection against a lot of these kinds of things that were
designed in. The OS is free. You can use Linux on your hardware and
it will seem 20% faster.

Also, if you serf the web using Microsoft Internet Exploder, it
requests the viruses that are designed to infect Explorer. Use Opera
or Firefox as your web browser and the vulnerabilities of Explorer are
obviated. Never, Never, Never serf with Explorer; you are asking for
attacks from Viruses and Malware. These browsers [Opera, Firefox] were
written for Linux, but there are Windows versions if you are stuck with Windows.

Hope that answered your questions, Ikabod!

"Sweet William" (Bill/BJ/Will/Slasher) Paicius
San Jose, CA
via e-mail

[Editor's note: Thanks to Bill here, some of these (and those recommended by Tim above) computer fixes have in fact been installed inside Mid Ink Rick's electronic desktop monstrosity. Apparently, the cyber-meltdown which severely delayed Middle Income Richard's Number 32 has also "done a number" on this issue, too. But of course, "the management" here hopes that none of our "customers" have been "inconvenienced" too badly by these delays. BTW, M.I. Richard went to high school with "Sweet William," and he has always preferred the nickname "Ikabod" for yours truly. No doubt in "honor" of Halloween and that great old tale about the Headless Horseman who threw a pumpkin at one totally petrified skinny colonist called "Ikabod Crane." M.I. Richard can empathize. When it comes to modern-day computing, he is also one totally petrified (almost) skinny ZombieRunner!]


M. I. Richard:

Could you please remove me from this list?

Most lists give instructions of how to do so, but I don't see that in yours.

Thank you, I never asked to sign on to this list.

Name withheld
via e-mail

[Editor's note: Check, done, and sorry. Apparently--when at the top of each issue appears the directive "Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts, and everything else to... CCWriters@mcleodusa.net"--that must not be enough to allow folks to opt out?]

[end] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *


Speaking of Mammary Bars, Featuring Short Orange Shorts Serving Buffalo Wings. . .

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of TV's Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining his Buffalo Theory to Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


( O_O )


Today's Recommended Website:

No joke; just inspiring. Read text and watch the video.
You have to sit down, read this and then watch the video clip at the end. Oh, and you'll maybe want to keep a tissue handy.



_ _

Here's "Costumes" For Ya, Pardner. We Dealin' You In or Out?

Yeah, this was a "running event." It was called "Las Vegas Night" and it happened inside our local woods just this past August. Guess which "babe" is not Mid Ink Rick?


Here, now, is that long-awaited "trick":


It's Mid Ink Rick's very own soundbyte!

Listen as he, uh, "sings" his very, very little-known song (which is a parody of a Bob Dylan classic) which is about a very little understood footrace that almost nobody has ever finished--but dang near EVERYBODY has heard about!

[You may need to double-click on the play button.]

Pretty scary, huh? Happy Halloween!
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

Photo credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) Puking pumpkin (unknown Internet source); 2) Zombies record album cover photo from their "official" fan club website (http://zom.thefondfarewells.com/index.html); 3) "Endurance 50" bus provided to Dean Karnazes by The North Face (photo on flickr.com by Herkie and Lewis and Clark Marathon in Missouri http://www.flickr.com/photos/dherholz/247516219/); 4) Male "Hooters" impersonators (www.Voyeurweb.com); 5) Park Forest Running & Pancake Club annual Progressive Marathon event, "Las Vegas Night" (Beth Limacher photo).

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

[Middle Income Richard's will return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and
similarly improbable opportunity in the future]


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