Happy 2012!




Just You Wait.
And Wipe That Silly Grin Off Your Face.
Things Can Only Get Worse.

 

Here's your invitation:

 

 

Of course, along with everything else screwed up about 2011,
even the year-end party invite is wrong.
December 31st isn't Friday.
It's Saturday.

( O_O )

 

"At 2012"???

 

 

At a whole,
I'd rather be dancing.

 

 

 

 

Here They Are:

The Top Ten For Sure Most Likely To Come True
NEW YEAR'S PREDICTIONS

 

Number 10:

Newly discovered DNA "at the scene of the Statehouse"
will prove that imprisoned ex-governor Rod Blagojevich
DIDN'T do "it," and he will be freed once again to
"fight for the people of Illinois."

Number 9:

Speaking of DNA, "the God particle"
otherwise known as the as-yet-undiscovered
Higgs Boson, will finally be discovered
hiding in a suburb of Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Number 8:

China will "call in the loan" when it ultimately becomes
patently obvious that the United State of America
is upside-down in its mortgage.
The country owes more than it's worth.

Number 7:

The unemployment rate will finally improve
when EVERYONE is put to work for the good of the state--
except Illinois.  That state is good for nothing.

Number 6:

Amy Winehouse will be discovered to have died prematurely,
and so right then and there will resurrect herself.

Number 5:

Suddenly a hidden cache of straight and morally upstanding
Roman Catholic priests will be found somehow miraculously
still living in an extremely secret, deeply cavernous catacomb
underneath Vatican City in a very mysterious place
as yet unknown to Dan Brown, Ron Howard, or Tom Hanks.

Number 4:

The Donald will finally do all of the following:
"fire" America and run for dictator,
find out from Rod Blagojevich where he gets his hair done,
and bail out the United States Treasury.

Number 3:

Elvis Presley and Osama bin Laden will both be found alive
and hiding from their fans in a rundown suburb of Rio de Janeiro,
adding to the blight.

Number 2:

President Obama will lose in a runoff
of excessive sewage along Wall Street.
And after it's all over,
Sarah Palin will declare her candidacy.

And the Number 1 prediction that's bound to come true in 2012:

The Cubs will win the World Series.

 

 

 

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This webzine (which got started in 2001)
is keeping on reinventing itself
in order to compete with Amy Winehouse.

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Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts, and
everything else (including questions of competence or authority) to...

TheTroubadour@sbcglobal.net


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Baud, what frauds these e-bytes be!

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OK, maybe these bytes might be, but you'll find the real deal by clicking on:

The Zombies

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Chair of Contents:

 r
  e
  g
  u
  l
 a
  rare - wisdom - and - fluff
  f                                      e
  e v e r y t h i n g   -  e l s e     ____________
  a                                      d      feetures:
   t                                      b    p on scrolli
  u                                      a    e              n
  r                                       c    e              o
  e                                       k   k               n
ps page numbers are no longer necessary
----------------------------------------------------------------
(because everything is all on one page)
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"Feetures" in this issue include:

a)  Happy New Year's whacked invitation
b)  Dancing and Predicting
c)  "Sample" of Drinking Heavily & Smiling Wickedly
d)  Illinois Rogues w/huge cajones
e)  Brand-New Illinois License Plates
f)   Did Grandma (or somebody else) Get Worked Over By A Reindeer?
g)  Yankee Folly of the Day
h)  Return of the Fototoon
i)   Blago F-ing Sux
j)   Inestimable Effendi Speaks: The Curmudgeon Chronicles
k)  Editor's Editorial
l)   Publication Data Fess-Up
m) The God Particle
n)  Goyish vs. Jewish
o)  What The Hell?
p)  Dept. of Bumper Stickers Dept.
q)  Hell Hath No Reality Television
r)   Church Wiseguys & Profits
s)  The Unwanted Resurrection
t)   Something Completely (uh-huh) Different
u)  We Shall Miss Him
v)   Parting Shot

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What a total rogues' gallery

[Which of course isn't supposed to be true, because this is a gallery of Illinois GOVERNORS!
But they're ROGUES for sure, every last crooked one of them!!]

 

 

 

Rod R. Blagojevich

(Democrat) Governor from 2003 to 2009, now going to prison beginning 2012 for a 14-year sentence. On December 9, 2008, Blagojevich "Blago" was arrested on federal corruption charges including conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery (including conspiracy to sell the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President Obama). On January 9, 2009, the Illinois House of Representatives voted by a 114–1 vote (that 1 voted only "present") to impeach Blago for corruption and misconduct in office, the first time such an action has been taken against a governor of Illinois, making him the second state official* in Illinois history to be impeached. The Illinois State Senate unanimously found him guilty of the charges of impeachment, and he was removed from office on January 29, 2009. In a separate and also unanimous vote, Blago was banned for life from holding public office in Illinois. On August 17, 2010, Blago was found guilty of lying to the FBI; on June 27, 2011, he was found guilty on 17 of 20 counts presented during his retrial. On September 29, 2011, it was announced that in mid-August, administrators for the Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission asked the Illinois Supreme Court to suspend the former attorney's law license, in a likely prelude to the further disgrace of disbarment. On December 7, 2011, Blago was sentenced to 14 years in federal prison. Oh yes, and he has no middle name. The "R" is as meaningless as his public service.

*The previous Illinois official to be impeached was IL Supreme Court Associate Justice Theophilus W. Smith in 1832, but he was acquitted, making Blago unique in his impeachment, guilt, and being thrown out of office.

 

 

 

George H. Ryan, Sr.

(Republican) Governor from 1999 to 2003; imprisoned 2007 to present on a 6-1/2 year sentence, serving in federal prison after he was convicted in 2006 by a federal jury of 18 counts of criminal misconduct, including a racketeering conspiracy, mostly related to his service as Illinois Secretary of State from 1990 to 1998. In Illinois the Secretary of State's office issues drivers' licenses, and Ryan became infamous for taking bribes and issuing licenses--without testing--many times to truck drivers who didn't know English. Investigations of Ryan went into overdrive when it was discovered that a truck driver, who couldn't read road signs, caused the incendiary deaths of six innocent passengers in a van. They were all children.

 

 

 

Daniel Walker

"Walkin' Dan" Walker (Democrat) was governor from 1973 to 1977 and imprisoned starting 1987, serving 18 months of a 7-year sentence. He was convicted and sentenced ten years after leaving office for misusing funds from his failed First American Savings and Loan Association of Oak Brook, IL. The conviction was unrelated to his service as governor, however. As a side note and in the interests of full disclosure, Mid Ink Rick's better half served as a volunteer worker on Walker's election campaign.

 

 

 

Otto Kerner, Jr.

(Democrat) Governor from 1961 to 1968 and imprisoned starting 1974 on a 3-year sentence plus a $50,000 fine. Kerner actually served less than 1 year, was released and died in 1976.  Both Walker and Kerner were released early because of "health concerns." Kerner was convicted in 1973 of 17 counts of bribery, conspiracy, perjury, and other charges relating to Illinois racetrack stock deals that occurred after his term in office. The federal prosecutor in the case was James R. Thompson, who would later be elected governor himself, and whose law firm would later afterwards defend, yes, Gov. George H. Ryan. (Interestingly enough, investigations into Kerner's affairs stemmed from the female racetrack owner showing brides--stock in the track--as deductions on her federal income tax return.) The above four (out of seven indicted) governors have been incarcerated during Mid Ink Rick's lifetime, which is (by best guess) only about half over.

 

 

 

William G. Stratton

(Republican) Governor from 1953 to 1961 was brought up on IRS charges in 1964 and tried in 1965 for income tax evasion, but he was acquitted. Stratton's 1964 indictment was for violating income tax laws relating to political contributions during his term as governor. He was acquitted during an expensive trial after defense witness Sen. Everett M. Dirksen (of Illinois) testified that governors have official ceremonial duties for which the unrestricted use of campaign fund contributions is justified. The U.S. Tax Court later agreed with the verdict, ruling that the Internal Revenue Service should not assess a tax on outright unrestricted gifts. (Perhaps such tax laws have since been changed?) Ironically enough, today it is The Dirksen Federal Building in Chicago in which federal trials are now conducted--against, say, former governors.

 

 

 

Len Small

(Republican) Governor from 1921 to 1929 and brought up on charges just seven months after taking office. (This one may even have Blago beat for audacity!) He was indicted on charges of embezzling millions of dollars while state treasurer. The scheme went like this: He allegedly deposited the state's money in a fictional bank, lent it out at almost 8 percent interest, paid the state less than 2 percent interest and pocketed the difference. His trial in 1922 occurred during his term in office, but he was acquitted of all charges by a jury reaching its verdict in 90 minutes--amid huge outcries of "jury tampering"--and his alleged corruption continued. The Chicago Tribune called him "worst governor the state ever had." It was a fact that, regarding those "jury tampering" allegations, after the 1922 trial, four jurors received state jobs. Later, in 1927, a civil suit was brought against Small for the same money laundering scheme. He lost that case, and the judgment was more than $1 million, an amount that was reduced to $650,000 by Attorney General Oscar Carlstrom, whom Small had helped to elect in 1924.

 

 

Joel Aldrich Matteson

(Democrat) Governor from 1853 to 1857 [Mid Ink Rick lives in Matteson, IL, named for him and incorporated in 1856] and brought up on charges regarding illegal financial activities beginning the same year that the town that bears his name was incorporated. In 1856 he began redeeming outdated and/or previously redeemed canal scrip for state bonds. [This is regarding the way workers were paid (in script, or "I.O.U.s") for constructing the present-day I & M Canal, alongside of which is a mule path--which today serves as a delightful running trail.] Matteson's "scam"--essentially redeeming valueless script for value--was discovered three years later, after his term as governor was over. The subsequent court proceedings, including accusations of bribery and jury tampering, went on until 1863, when the Sangamon County Circuit Court declared Matteson owed the state more than $253,000. Matteson’s property was sold at auction to satisfy the judgment. [Matteson, of course, claimed "innocence" because he considered that quarter-million to be, like, a "loan" which (yeah, right) he'd always intended to pay back.] Anyway, at least the rogue didn't go to prison.

So, here are the unhappy totals regarding Illinois' highest office: 4 Democrats and 3 Republicans have been indicted, with just a few being let off easy while more than half have been--and are still being--sent to prison. Only one was let off scot-free (due to very questionable tax rulings) but ALL of whom, in Mid Ink's humble opinion, are really really guilty of being rogues.

(See http://www.rrstar.com/x177093913/Sorry-history-of-Illinois-governors.)

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

If it weren't for prisons these days,
possibly nothing would be manufactured*...

 

 

 

 

 

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

 

 

*It's a joke, of course, because in most states (except notably Arizona, perhaps others) forced prison labor is illegal, due mostly to complaints by unions that this amounts to slavery while their working members go unemployed.  Note that the question of quality of output isn't addressed.  We're thinking it's probably a pretty sad state of affairs that manufacturing such trinkets as license plates needs to be unionized in the first place.  Aren't there any "higher callings" in America?  Or are the unions just pissed because all the steel mills have closed due to Japan's ability to make steel cheaper?  This is capitalism, baby.  Only what works survives.

 

 

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

 

 

 

OK, Now For A Little Levity

[Some Holiday Cheer, Yes?]

 

 

 

 

Osama Got Worked Over by a SEAL

By C. C. Writers

(with apologies to Randy Brooks, composer, and “Dr.” Elmo & Patsy Trigg Shropshire, first performers)

Osama got worked over by a SE-AL,
In hiding sometime after Easter Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Justice;
But as for me and Barack, we believe.

He’d been sendin’ many videos,
Which he'd been so warned not to send!
Who knew his refuge was our ally,
Or flippin’ SEALs could spell his bitter end?

When they found him the next mornin’,
At the scene there was a trace:
Of Navy ammo in his forehead,
And a profound look of terror on his face.

Osama got worked over by a SE-AL,
In hiding sometime after Easter Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Justice;
But as for me and Barack, we believe.

We're so proud now of our Navy,
'Cuz they proved: "die by the sword!"
Now we just can't help but wonder:
Who’ll be claimin’ that $25 mill reward?

It's not al-Qaeda without Laden,
And all his henchmen lying low.
Are they all still pretending
That they can give alla us their final blow?

Osama got worked over by a SE-AL,
In hiding sometime after Easter Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Justice;
But as for me and Barack, we believe.

Now his goose is in the ocean,
And his photos kept from us;
But you can see a darn good likeness
By stepping off the curb into a bus.

So I have now warned all our people:
"His fans still could do you ill."
And like Elvis who ain't dead yet,
bin Laden just might be living in Brazil.

Osama got worked over by a SE-AL,
In hiding sometime after Easter Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Justice;
But as for me and Barack, we believe.
(Sing it, Team Six!)

Osama got worked over by a SE-AL,
In hiding sometime after Easter Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Justice;
But as for me and Barack, we believe.
(Hippie Hollydaze, y’all!)

© 2011

 

R.I.P.

 

 

Maybe you'd like to "experience" the original?
Well, just click on THIS!

And sing!!

 

---

 

 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

"Santa Claus has the right idea:
Visit people once a year."
                       —Victor Borge
                                (1909-2000)

 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

umhmumhmumhmumhmumhmumhmumhmumhmumhmumh

 

 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

 

 

"Christmas is Christ's revenge for the crucifixion."

                 —Unknown

 

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Yankee Folly of the Day:
--------------------------

[This could only happen in the North]

 

 

 

 

:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(

 

 

    __     __
( Q_Q )






Return of the Fototoon

 

Redneck Santa:

 

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

 

 

 

THIS JUST IN
[actually it was in some time ago,
but first there had to be an investigation--
by the guy on the left to figure out
if his percentage of profits from T-shirt
sales like this would be "F-ing golden" enough]

 

 

( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )

 

 

Inestimable Effendi Speaks

by Richard Macknick,
Curmudgeon

 

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLES:

IMPRISONMENT

Soon, Blago will take his place in a barred environment, and deservedly so. Presently he is under orders not to flee, and in modified house arrest. House arrest is not a pleasant procedure.

The Curmudgeon has been placed under house arrest several times in recent months.

The Curmudgeon has committed no felonies nor misdemeanors, nor terrorist acts; no malfeasance or misfeasance, nor any activities which would offend the public at large (unless it is a crime to be adverse to the ACLU and the present administration).

But the Curmudgeon is, nonetheless, being held captive by "CUSTOMER SERVICE."

Just what is customer service?

Does it really exist? Or is it just a form of imprisonment?

The Curmudgeon has had some problems with the one-eyed-paperweight that sometimes functions upon his desk, and sometimes he needs to call for professional (?) help to find the right place to kick.

Upon calling the logical options, one is greeted by pre-recorded voicemail options: (your call is important to us ... your wait time is approximately 20 minutes ... for faster customer service please select one of the following options.... None of those options will apply to your problem, but it will prompt you to a new list of options). Eventually reaching a human voice, there is a knee-jerk response that the problem lies with the land-line phone system, or the cable provider, or a temporary system overload, or weather disruption... and please restart your computer and call back later.

When you call back, the same pre-recorded messages kick in, and you must start all over because no one ever heard of your concerns, while you are virtually handcuffed to the phone and imprisoned with it for hours and hours and hope your cell phone battery will not die before whatever nameless human you have reached decides she needs to hang up for her potty break.

If you finally reach some human and convince them that you need customer service, they will advise you that all their technicians are extremely busy and the soonest you can get service is a week from next Tuesday. The "tech" will be due to show up at your door between 8:00 am and noon next Tuesday, so you are a prisoner looking out your front door at 8:00 am, waiting patiently for the arrival of the "tech."

Invariably the "tech" has problems (even when you are assured that you are first on the list) and is running a "little late"; so you are a prisoner in your house, until the late evening call telling you to "reschedule the tech service to a later date," when you will again be placed under house arrest awaiting customer service.

And if you are not there when the "tech" finally shows up, you will be billed for a service call even if they provide no service.

The "tech" will hold you prisoner while doing mysterious things with your desktop appurtenances and may even confiscate the devices to take them "back to the shop," and you will be held hostage under house arrest awaiting return of the "tech" and your stuff.

And if you wish to know the progress of the "tech" with your stuff, you are obliged to call CUSTOMER SERVICE through a maze of voicemail prompts and remain IMPRISONED in your home, unable to leave your phone, awaiting an estimate of when the "tech" will return with your (hopefully) functioning cyclops and appurtenances.

Sound familiar?  It has happened to all of us, and CUSTOMER SERVICE bills us for their "service" under threat of cutting off "service" unless we pay on the spot for "service" before we can even verify that "service" is the "service" that we wanted--or else they will take the cyclops and appurtenances back to "the shop."

Meanwhile, Blago will be released to the caged environment, where he will (courtesy of our tax dollars) receive shelter, three squares daily, clothing and various amenities, but no CUSTOMER SERVICE or "tech" concerns for several years. His life ain't gonna be all that bad.

[Editor's Note:  The following piece, also about Blago, was written prior to the above, but surely merits publishing here as well.  Note also that most recently, Blago motioned for a whole new trial and, failing that, petitioned to have his "choice" of federal prisons and, along with that, is now asserting his having some sort of "substance abuse" problems (first we've heard of this!) in an effort to qualify for some prison program that lessens the convict's sentence in exchange for undergoing some kind of "treatment."  The man's weaseling knows no bounds.]

As presaged in several of our exchanges from this very pulpit in recent years gone by the once mighty Blago has succumbed to the truth: He done wrong.

Not because he was confronted with irrefutable evidence,

Not because he felt the need to confess sins and seek forgiveness,

Not because he wanted to cleanse himself and seek absolution from those whom he had defrauded and taxed into penury,

Not because the truth would set him free (real fat chance that would be),

But in the quiet of a courtroom, after countless hours and countless dollars of taxpayer expense over many many years.

Blago does not repudiate his prior years of assertions, and seeks for himself and his (equally corrupt) spouse and progeny to secure compassion of the court and the release to serve ensuing years for the good of the community--self interest and ego to the end.

Move over, George, you're about to get a roomie.

[Editor's Note:  The following are additional bits of writing by our thought-provoking Curmudgeon that filtered into our Inbox over the long course of time since our last edition. Without any felt need to "explain" each bit (except to note that this first one to follow is about the ex-governor's wife, named Patty, oft reviled for her "language," and thus nicknamed "Pottymouth"), we now publish them below more or less in reverse chronological order as received.]

[Regarding: MRS. POTTYMOUTH]

The foibles of Mr. and Mrs. Pottymouth are wont to be much publicized, and boo-hoo that Mrs. Pottymouth and progeny will now have to endure some form of deprivation and discomfort for the next few years.  Likely the kids don't deserve it, but MRS. Pottymouth does.

It's the risk Mr. & Mrs. Pottymouth took in their zest to beat the system for political and financial advantage, and in following the ill-fated footsteps of prior Illinois governors.

Mr. & Mrs. Pottymouth lived the financial high life, as did Ryan (and Madoff) and got caught.  End of story.

[Regarding earlier this year: FLOODING IN NEW YORK STATE]

Illinois is broke, right?

Deeper in debt than almost any other state, right?

Grossly due to a ponzi-type scheme in Springfield, right?

Making promises for future payouts on anticipated future largess in revenues, right?

While raising taxes to the point they are driving businesses out of the state, right?

And the governor has asked the spendthrift federal government for funds to assist flood ravaged sections of Illinois, right?

Well, New York just got hit by a flood, right?

So the governor of Illinois proposes we send Illinois National Guard Troops to help out New York???

The Curmudgeon finds it impossible to reconcile sending its citizens a thousand miles away to lend assistance in New York, rather than mobilize the same force within its own borders.

Something just defies logic that the federal government should bail out Illinois, while Illinois volunteers to bail out New York.

[Regarding: RUINING THIS COUNTRY]

No need to "hunt down the greedy bastards ruining this country"; they gather in the hallowed halls of Congress on special occasions a few days each year, and the few days are well publicized.

Former governors of Illinois are equally easy to find.

Jobs for vets are not easy to find, so perhaps having them return to fight criminals is a lot better idea than being policemen (and women) to the world.

Plus there should be a lot of well-paying jobs for them in Congress and in the State of Illinois to run for--in the next election.

[Regarding (see immediately below): "RESPONSIBILITY"]

An analogy with merit, there are no castle walls behind which we might hide.

Although the torture chambers have changed from the rack and the iron maiden, the torture for the working serfs relentlessly continues.

But back in feudal days, the lords did not hand out largess to those who choose not to work, and therein lies much of the source of our discontent.

FDR (and I was alive, albeit a toddler) during the waning years of his reign did have the CCC, as you note, and the WPA.  Those who were not otherwise gainfully employed were obliged to work for the common good.

Now, instead of sending the unemployed out to do community service for which they receive food (subsistence food like oatmeal and beans and bread) and shelter (barracks or even tents), we encourage unemployment by giving federal handouts.

Michigan is about 1/4 living off government handouts, when you add in all the payrollers who are distributing those handouts, and they can use food stamp vouchers to purchase steak and lobster.

I'm not going to fault the founding fathers, and not FDR; it was LBJ and his "Great Society" that pushed us off the crest of the roller-coaster.

The roller-coaster at the amusement park always returns to the same place where it started. That is not the situation with our federal government. We're in the bottom of a privy.

I believe I know where we are headed.

Look to the Germany of the 1930s:  It took a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread.

Look to Zimbabwe:  Once the breadbasket of Africa, it was recently printing billion dollar currency.

What are we going to do to pay off our debts?  Bernanke will crank up the printing presses, and inflation will eat up the value of the dollar faster than it did 30 years ago (mortgages back then with excellent credit and 25% down were in the 12% to 13% range).

For openers, we could revive the CCC and the WPA.  At least we'd get something back for all those government dole dollars.

We've got about 17,000 troops still in South Korea.  We could bring them home; same with the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.  We don't have to be policeman to the world.  [How about just policeman to the United States?]

Solve much of the illegal immigrant problem if welfare stopped and people were required to work at community service projects.

And if we followed China's one child rule and didn't give women rewards for being baby factories, and did give the young and able-bodied people the chance to stay home and not subsidize foreigners in their lands with our money and blood....

But I am not in charge, and never will be.

 

 

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A Non-Guest Editorial... by The Editor

 

RESPONSIBILITY

By (natch) The Editor

 

There is a "joke" circulating around.  It goes something like this:

One "good way," then, for all this botheration to be halfway palatable is because--at long, long last--SOMEBODY is asking the right questions.  And one "bad way"?  It's actually just another bleak harbinger of real bad things to come. If some things don't change--and relatively quickly--then the ass of these United States is grass.

In my humble estimation, this "noble experiment" of our Fumbling Fathers has--well, it's taken just about two-and-a-half hundred years, but it has in fact--FAILED.  The United States of America is no longer (if it ever even was) a democracy.  Nope.  It is a feudal society.  A fiefdom. Each of us puts one or another nobility into "office" and that Lord or Lady then lords it over us. We now serve THEM.  They do not serve us.

And it's actually every bit as horrible as the above-cited sewage.  There was a time when the people received a benefit from being subservient to their feudal lords.  They got protection. When the Vis, Vegas, Goths, Visigoths, Emos, Alts, Punks, Cretans, and other street thugs and barbarians stormed the countryside, rioting and burning, plundering and pillaging, and otherwise entering the country illegally and demanding--and RECEIVING!--social services... well, in those days all of us fiefs moved into the castle.  Where's our "protection" today?  It's in the back pockets and handbags of all our lord- and ladyships.

Florida recently (I'm told) enacted some legislation requiring drug testing for all welfare recipients.  And it's about high damn time, huh?  Ya think?  Who among us is old enough to remember FDR?  (Not me. I just threw that out there to pull our beloved elders of the tribe into the conversation.)  Well, didn't FDR set up the Civilian Conservation Corps (among other things, like, hey, national parks)?  His idea of "a chicken in every pot"* was for people to WORK FOR IT.  Somehow over these many recent years, that idea became "a porterhouse, lobster tails, wine, and dessert on every supermarket checkout counter for Food Stamps"--for free!

Yes, our feudal feuding food freaks have done it again.  They give away the store.  (Hah!  For votes!  And the ignorant recipients of all this pelf can't--and don't--vote!)  And no, it's not even their own store, but your store.  The Kroger store.  The A&P.  The unemployment insurance store.  The pension store.  The Social Security store.  The welfare store.  The IRA store.  The Treasury Bonds store.  The EVERYTHING store.  And where does it all go?  It's gone!  Who knows?  So where is the last Arthur Andersen to have audited the United States Treasury? Has Standard & Poors done it?  Arthur Anderson is bankrupt!  So is AIG, Bear Stearns, WorldCom, Enron, etc., etc., etc.  And WHO has provided the capital necessary to keep them as well as the rest of us going?

Nobody?

No, the Chinese.

And we all now owe to THAT feudal society our own collective left lung.   And when eventually they call in the loan?

It's "a pound of flesh" all over again.

We owe them how many TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS, people?  Who in the hell do you think is going to PAY that?

[As an aside, CBS's 60 Minutes recently reported that China is one of the few countries actually making money today.  How much money is China (that, um, non-capitalist country) making?  ONE BILLION DOLLARS A DAY.]

Will our own current feudal lords and ladies pay off China's loan?  Not a chance.  Their terms will be over.  They already have your money and will flee.  Their airplanes are chartered to Switzerland, where all their off-shore bank accounts undoubtedly are.

I close my eyes and fold my hands and pretend to prey nightly upon any fief lesser than me. Folded hands are useful for hiding things.  Important things, like paper.  Like Constitutions.  Like Bills of Rights.  I have learned how to fold my hands and possibly hide (some say "shelter") things from my feudal lords and ladies, who are expert at the craft.  I take my life's example from the top, down--despite our present-day crooked nobility's most fervent wish that we imitate from the bottom, up.  So many cops and firepeople are heroes.  So few--so very, VERY few--are politicians.

President of the United States?  You've got to be kidding me.  This ditz isn't even a good king! He is at the mercy of all those greedy almighty lord-slips and lady-battleaxes.  This is the complete reverse of the Magna Carta.  This is King John signing off, retiring, and letting the oligarchy continue.  Runnymede (look it up) circa 1215 A.D. has now transformed itself into Capitol Hill 2011 (sure, next is 2012 and there'll be no change).  Today if "the king" signs anything, the Darkest Knights of the Rotund Table overturn it.  Today it's "to hell with the people!"  "Off that other slate!"  "All Power To The Feuds! ...and the Feudals... and to the Cash Cows for which They Sit."

Ah, what the hell am I/are we so damn worried about?  It'll ALL be over fairly soon.  We can pretty safely predict that our damned Feudals won't give a flying fold in a Constitutional paper shredder about, for example, our deteriorating environment:  The absolute and undeniable eventual poisoning of our entire planet Earth.

It's pretty stupid, when you stop and think about it.  I mean, we're being raped and plundered and pillaged and cheated by our "nobility" who all, what, intend to spend on themselves what all they've stolen from us?

Right.  And they plan to spend it on Earth?

Why shucks, didn't they just almost entirely cancel the Space Program?

So now it's also a pretty safe bet they won't be able to spend it on Mars either.

It's nothing short of global suicide.  (And yet they still think they'll still have a planet to spend their plunder on.  Hah!)

And people still want to have children???

WHAT ARE WE THINKING???????

[Hint:  We're not.  We all just seem to be sitting back and letting those lords and other idiots do whatever thinking.  And they--come on, do you honestly need any more proof?--aren't thinking at all.]

--Rich Limacher
(as unafraid to sign his name now as he was inside the National Archives of the United States in Washington, DC, on the exact Bicentennial Day--July 4, 1976--when the building happened to be open and a "guest book" was provided for every visitor to sign, with the expressly stated "guarantee" that that guest book will be raised up out of the vault a hundred years hence--in time for July 4, 2076--for all the future visitors to read then; and so I blithely wrote in the book: "Nobody will be able to read this in 2076, because the national language will be Chinese.")

___________________

*Our friend The Curmudgeon has shed further light on this and other matters.  He writes as follows:

"I would note, however, that the 'chicken...pot' reference is not directly attributable to FDR.  It was used in the Herbert Hoover campaign:  his chicken in every pot, car in every garage platform.  Hoover may have initiated the 'car' aspect, but not the 'chicken' aspect.  [Keep reading.]

"I am incorporating this observation due to the 'FEUDAL' references in your 'RESPONSIBILITY' commentary:

"HENRY IV (1553-1610) during his reign reportedly said, 'I want there to be no peasant in my kingdom so poor that he is unable to have a chicken in his pot every Sunday' (albeit accuracy of this quote may not be reliable, since it was not published until 1681, and that was by a French author).  {source: Dictionary of Quotations}  I knew I'd heard it somewhere before, being the old person I am.

"Ah, yes, feudal times, serfs and lackeys and vassals and creative forms of punishment in dungeons and gaols and indentured servitude and hangings and floggings.  We've substituted physical pain with financial pain and the serfs no longer work, but receive financial support from the lords and ladies and no longer worry about bread (or cake) because food stamps buy lobster and steak.

"Actually and more topically, I had drafted some commentary on the recent military departure from Iraq, regarding sending the troops out of Iraq, at their request, but leaving behind massive financial support to a place so wealthy that their leadership cadre rakes in even more than Congress, and even more than Blago even dreamed of ripping off."

 

 

 

Everytime's Repeated Media Message:
----------------------------------------------------

* * * * *

It's no secret that one of America's most inventive founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break" in the media not by pandering to the tastes of those old stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with something completely different all on his own. He published a simple one-page annual periodical called Poor Richard's Almanack and sold it along the streets and rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred seventy-odd years later, you get Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack which someday (maybe) will actually find some cybertronic marketplace and actually sell a copy or two--especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully, installed on a commercial website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson, owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

* * * * *

So far, for the past zillion issues, this e-rag's been free.  But before the next zillion are published, this particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away; and you'll be asked to cough up with as many as twelve U.S. dollars, via credit card or otherwise, to that nutty parent company called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

* * * * *

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission and supplication to continue sending in your cards, letters, ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol' coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts, the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally, of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.

* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!

http://www.zombierunner.com/MiddleIncomeRichard/46

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QQ
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One Fas' 'Splain o' Dis Here Higgs

 

by Mid (p)Ink Rick

 

So, there's this here theoretical "God Particle," see?  (See New Year's Prediction #9.)  It's called the Higgs boson, and it's a sonuvaglitch.  What it is, is: it isn't.  That is, it ain't been found yet, and yet scientists are all banking on its being because the very route of all our beings (and beans) depends upon it being, like, our root.  Here is the exact scientific 'splaination:

"The Higgs boson is thought to be tied to a field (the Higgs field) that is responsible for giving all other particles their mass. Ironically, physicists don't have a specific prediction for the mass of the Higgs boson itself, so they must search a wide range of possible masses for signs of the particle."

Whoa.  So.  "God" is, like, a particle?  And a particle the size of, like about, one-ten-zillionth your average run-of-the-mill proton?  And this "field" is about, what, two-ten-zillionths the size of your average blade of fake grass in a football field?  Well, here's the theory in plain language:  cover that microscopic fractional field with almost invisible snow, and then roll a non-existent ball across it.  It picks up "mass," right?  All microscopic mass, of course, but this is supposed to be... well, the making of something out of nothing... which is, well, what God does.  Eh?

So what's this mean?  It means, quite simply, this:  at the small-enough level, you have a "no thing" (a "boson") which rolls across a sub-atomic field that piles "stuff" on the "now thing" which, by rolling and rolling and rolling later and later and acquiring more and more and more stuff like atom parts and then atoms and then molecules, etc., boom:  what you then got are building blocks for the whole frickin' UNIVERSE!!!

Never mind that that "boson" thing hasn't been discovered to exist yet--but it MUST, science sez, else how's it possible to start the whole snowball rolling?  Well??  Maybe just pack together a little of the field to begin with?  And then start rolling that??

The jury is still out, of course (unlike with Blago, who's the pseudo scientist that invented pay-to-play, which is a whole 'nother universal), on whether it's snowing on "the field" enough to even start a snowball--and where that field exactly is in the first place isn't known--but you can damn well bet that if it's found to be in Illinois someplace, friends of the governor will have already approached it for a campaign contribution.

Oh, we don't mean to disparage the scientists--or their sub-even-microscopic fieldwork--but we would like to give some clue to our peeps what all this means.  IF (and it's a pretty huge IF) both the Higgs boson and field ARE found to exist and the manufacture of everything starts by subatomic action--like rolling invisible dice across almost invisible felt (as, maybe, atop some cosmic casino table)--well then, there's your God.  God is a boson, first recognized by a Higgs (which is the dude's name), which can create something out of nothing simply by having a nothing travel over some kind of mostly invisible sparking crushed velvet and getting felt along the way.   Nah, we mean GATHERING up stuff from this felty field that makes the nothing bigger and bigger, thereby acquiring enough mass to actually , someday, become a something--and get to be visible!

Just imagine:  now your Adam and Eve got their starts in life by working as subatomic groundskeepers inside a nearly invisible Lambeau Field, and all's they were trying to do is scrape the snow off in time for the Superbowl.  Big Bang!  Then Adam begat Aaron and Eve started cheerleading.

It boggles the mind.

 

(See http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45653534/ns/technology_and_science-science/.)

 

 

---

 

Middle Income Richard had a tear-a-page-a-day-off desk calendar for 2011.
It's called "Goyish vs. Jewish."

Here's a recent day's comparison:

Goyish: The right attitude is the key to success.

Jewish: Worrying is the right attitude.

And a bonus!
Here's one more:

 

Good Holiday Wine

Goyish: clear, full-bodied, fragrant aroma, dry taste,
pleasant aftertaste, clean or crisp finish.

Jewish: liquid cranberry sauce.

 

---

 

And now (what the hell?)

IT'S TIME (rogues, etc., notwithstanding)
TO TALK (clarify, define, scientifically determine)
ABOUT (no, not Higgs)
HELL!

 

 

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.

[The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of sharing it as well.]

Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

[Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:]

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

 

 

Today's Selection from...
The Department of Bumper Stickers Department:

 

 

 

 

 

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( 00 )
~

 

 

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"When the snakeskin comes off the shoes and purse and goes back on the snake, your night on the town is over."

                                        —Mid Ink Rick

 

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Hell hath no Reality Televisions to show a woman scorning:

 

Well, now at least the Python is well dressed.

 

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( ô-ô )
o

"What the hell are you looking at?"
                                                --License plate slogan suggested
                                                 for New York by Steven Pearl

 

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Coming to you exclusively now
from Middle Income Richard's...



PROBING THE GREAT BIBLICAL MYSTERIES

ONE INSPIRING CHURCH SIGN AT A TIME . . .

 

 

Wait!  There's one more this time (due to present-day hardships forcing all kinds of people into perpetrating all kinds of acts) that we just have to share:

 

 

 

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"You just gotta save Christianity, Richard!  You gotta!"
                                             —Loretta Young to Richard the Lionhearted
                                  in the movie The Crusades (1935)

 

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Wait a minute...

We Want Her Resurrected:

(maybe)

 

 

 

...or not.

 

 

 

And now for something completely different...

 

 

 

(Yeah, right.)

 

Mid Ink Rick might even consider voting for the guy,
except it'd be like voting for The Dictator.

---

 

Here's a man we really miss:

 

 

Steven Paul Jobs
February 24, 1955 – October 5, 2011

"Whenever we saw a thingamajig
That evolved from thingamabobs,
We're pretty darn sure those thingamathings
Were dreamt up by this Steven Jobs."

                           --M. I. Richard
                                        (with great respect)

 

 

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"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop"...
                                      —Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

 

Photo credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) Dancing (unknown Internet source); 2) Rod R. Blagojevich (understandinggov.org); 3) George H. Ryan, Sr. (AmericanFraud.com); 4) Daniel Walker (AP/Fred Jewell); 5) Otto Kerner, Jr. (AP/Bob Daughtery); 6) William G. Stratton (ILStateHouse.com); 7) Len Small (ILStateHouse.com); 8) Joel Aldrich Matteson (ILStateHouse.com); 9) fake Illinois license plate (unknown Internet source); 10) Seal and animals pulling Santa's sleigh (unknown Internet source although this was originally a Guinness beer ad); 11) "Grandma" reindeer cookie (unknown Internet source); 12) Moose hunters (unknown Internet source); 13) Redneck Santa-sleigh (unknown Internet source); 14) Blagojevich holding "Sucks" T-shirt with unknown companion (Rockford Register Star/Aaron Chambers photo); 15) Richard Macknick as Bret Maverick (Rich Limacher photo); 16) Betty Boop in a glass (drawn by katbaleu per website shown); 17) Reality TV actress known as "JWoww" on New Year's Eve 2010 (per alondraminchey.blogspot.com); 18) church sign #1 (unknown Internet source); 19) church sign #2 (unknown Internet source); 20) Amy Winehouse (photo by Will Alexander per WENN Not Yours/Yours); 21) fake Trump poster (unknown Internet source); 22) painting of Steven Jobs (by Paul Chung per www.etsy.com); 23) Barack cartoon (unknown Internet source); all other images are public domain clip art.

 

Parting shot:

Prepare yourselves.  According to
the nearly infallible ancient Mayan cosmic calendar,
it's all over for all of us on December the Twelfth.

Maybe he can save us:

 

(And notice their outfits, as befitting--butt barely--New Year's Eve.)

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[Middle Income Richard's might return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and unpredictably
similar holiday-commentating opportunity in the future.  Or not.]

==================================