Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack, No. 43

MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD'S
Third Millennium Almanack
===============================
A webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
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Number 43, in honor of Veterans' Day 2009
In the 9th year of the 21st century
© 2009 Rich Limacher
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A True American Heroine

Sgt. Kimberly Munley,
Ft. Hood Police

And she's not even military!

Or even

a veteran

This edition is dedicated to the
men and women
of the armed forces of these United States
who manage to stay alive
despite all attempts
both foreign and domestic
to have them not

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Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts, and
everything else (including questions of competence or authority) to...

TheTroubadour@sbcglobal.net

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OK, maybe these bytes might be, but you'll find the real deal by clicking on this:

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"Feetures" in this issue include:

a) Welcome ta da 'hood
b) They walk among us [also "going postal"]
c) Troop Humor
d) It's Self-Evident! [isn't it?]
e) Government, as viewed by Native American eyes
f)   U.S. Redneck Special Forces
g) "Political Correctness"
h) Yankee Folly of the Day
i)   Vertical Fototoon
j)   Who's Displayin' Palin?
k) We Are DeVo
l) Inestimable Effendi Speaks: The Curmudgeon Chronicles
m) E-letters To The Editor
n) Recommended Website
o) Inspiring Signs
p) And now for something completely different...
q) Photo Guessing Game
r) The Dept. of Bumper Snickers Dept.
s) Parting Shot: One More Vet

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We ask, how is it even possible? How can one of the very safest places on the planet—a U.S. Army base, for heaven's sake, in the U.S. and jam-packed full of right-minded individuals armed to the teeth to defend us—not be safe? Or, how could it not defend itself, or its own people??

To the best of our understanding (this is, after all, a fairly current current event) this temporarily insane (?) Army officer, Major Nidal Malik Hasan, went off on a shooting spree in the first week of November, 2009, and absolutely (although good journalism prescribes that we say "allegedly" because, naturally, a suspect is innocent until proven guilty; right) murdered at least 13 human beings and injured many, many more. And, to Kim's courage and our admiration, this monster was felled finally—not by one of any of the vastly armed military, as we might expect, but—by one quickly responding policewoman, Sgt. Kimberly Munley of the local police department that has jurisdiction and who is a civilian!

Sergeant Munley drew her weapon and fired and hit the "suspect," bringing him (we should rather say "it" so as not to indignify the humanity of the male gender) down, while she herself was shot and wounded.

This is the very essence of military heroism, is it not? And isn't this the very reason why we have military in the first place? There are monsters in this world, and we need to have a force on hand, thoroughly trained and equipped to stop them from harming us. But we don't expect our monsters to come from within that very institution we all support and maintain to protect us. Similarly, we also don't expect to have to train our civilian police to protect the rest of that military force!

And... what does this say about training our women to protect our men?

There are so many different possible emotional reactions to all this, conflicting emotions, and brand-new emotions that years ago couldn't even be imagined. There is the slap upside the head: How could our Army be so stupid? There is the collective fear-mongering: The terrorists have infiltrated! There is the nightmare of propaganda: This whackjob is a Muslim! They all need to die!! And of course, there is this: Thank God for Sergeant Munley! What a brave, an exceptionally brave, hero she is to us all.

The real disturbance here is not the disturbance, but the happenstance. How could this happen? This monster was recruited? He was promoted? And, for heaven's sake, he was a psychiatrist? The United States Army actually paid this monster to treat the mental afflictions of our troops? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

On a day we all set aside to honor our military, our veterans, our war heroes... we are now suddenly faced with, what, spies in the ranks? Total incompetence by those who order the ranks? And a certain helplessness by the ranks themselves?

It is nothing short of a national embarrassment. And if our President and Congress are worth the trust we as a nation have placed in them, they will investigate. They will get to the bottom of this. Heads will roll... and we as a people will be protected from now on, so help us God!

Oh, and one last thing: they damn well better award the Congressional Medal of Honor to one Sgt. Kimberly Munley, of the local civilian police force. We need her in the future to, single-handedly, protect our military might.

WE BEGIN TO BE A LITTLE CONCERNED, HOWEVER, THAT MORE AND MORE THE GOOD FOLKS OF AMERICA TAKE THEIR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS AND DEFEND THEMSELVES AGAINST ENEMIES AND PREDATORS... JUST A TAD TOO EXTREMELY.

Whereas,
THIS TYPE OF STUFF FROM THE TROOPS THEMSELVES IS TYPICALLY BETTER THAN WHATEVER YOU GET FROM THE NORMAL SPAM!

The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor, one of them sent this:

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

"I guess if there's one thing I learned in life it's that misery just doesn't
love company, it loves MISERABLE company."

                                                        —Lora Mantelman
                                                             (who claims to have heard
                                                            this from somebody else)

The Self-Evident Song

by Mid Inc Rick
© 2007

I went to work for a man
very much smarter than me
He was more than I or you
could ever, or
ever would wanna be.
I said, “Boss, what you want I should do?”
He said, “you’re here,
there’s work,
isn’t that obvious to you?”

I go, “Nah.”
He says, “Pshaw!”
I go, “Can’t ya explain?”
“This is my high-tech pro-active,”
says he,
“The studio best bytes of sound!”
“I want singin’
to bring in
way more money than rain!”

[chorus]

This is a self-evident song
This is a self-evident song
Why are you asking if I can sing?
When this is a self-evident song!

He objected to most
of my questions, as if
I was, like, challenging him.
As I was pleading
my chances of reading
his mind were none to slim,
He said, I should already be smart
and figure each part
enough to belt all of it out.
And when I asked, “Really?”
“is that the dealy?”
it made him want to shout!

I go, “Nah.”
He goes, “YAH!”
I go, “Why all the disdain?”
“I have been questioned,” says he,
“all my life,” says he,
“and I’ll not have you adding more pain!”

This is a self-evident song
This is a self-evident song
Why are you asking if I can sing?
When this is a self-evident song!

I asked some direction,
for less mind-bending intrigue,
and he said, “Sweep!” so I swept… then
here comes Professor McTeague.
“Why are you sweeping so slowly?” he yells.
“So inefficiently and each sweep repeats?”
I go, “Here is some dust,
this is a broom,
ain’t that obvious, Sweets?”

He goes, “Pshaw!”
I go, “Haw!”
He says, “Is there naught in your brain?”
“You do one swath per x parts per million,” says he. “You don’t know how to sweep,
you crapped little creep,
what you do just drives me insane!”

’Cuz this is a self-evident song
This is a self-evident song
Why are you asking if I can sing?
When this, for sure, is my self-evident song!

We just love government, don't we?

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Maybe what we need is a brand-new bottom-notch cracked fighting force:

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: "Political Correctness."

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

[In honor of Halloween just passed, in dishonor of The Blagwan who has been, thankfully, passed over]

:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(

You go, babe!

Listen to Mommy, baby.

Then too, there is something to be said for bottle-feeding.

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )

You recall the Flip Wilson line "what you see is what you get?" doesn't work that way with government. Its position is "what you don't see is what you get."

HENCE I offer for your consideration (or addition or distraction or subtraction or approbation or destruction) a treatise on the basic "staff of life," a simple loaf of bread which government maggots and payrollers and parasites consume on its way to your table.

Ever wonder why, when you slice open that loaf of fresh baked bread, there are holes in the slice? Well, there's a reason, as explained below.

Herewith the dissertation (without reference to the bailout & health care fiascoes ):

A loaf of white bread at the grocery store costs $2.00. How much of that $2.00 is attributable to taxes? (Besides the 15 or 20 cents tacked on as sales tax, which is over and above the taxes on the $2.00 retail price.) Think about the taxes collected by federal, state, and local governments in the course of getting that loaf to the store.

A farmer has acres of land for growing wheat; there's property taxes on land. He needs a pickup truck to go to the seed vendor; taxes are collected on the sale of that vehicle, and on the fuel it uses, and the license plates are also a tax. And he needs a farm tractor, a plow, a planter, fertilizer, a harvester, a trailer, and other equipment to turn the seeds into fields of wheat and to get the harvest to a miller. The various governments charge taxes on the seeds, and on every piece of equipment at time of sale. Some places even find a way to tax equipment as, and for, property taxes.

And the seed vendor? Well, he pays property taxes as well! And from his employees' paychecks, he takes out and sends to the government withholding taxes for federal and state IRS, and social security, and has to pay the state to provide unemployment insurance (a tax). And if the seed vendor makes any profit, well, the taxing bodies generally assess corporate taxes at a higher rate than they do for individuals. The miller has the same taxing burdens, as he converts the wheat into flour.

And the baker? Taxed on property, of course, and on purchase of necessary equipment like mixers and ovens and delivery trucks and corporate income and payroll deductions.

But bread is not made of wheat alone. Take a look at the ingredients list for any ordinary loaf of white bread. The label will probably advise the bread is "enriched" or "fortified." Government regulations (another form of taxation) want to make corporations put vitamins and minerals into the diets of, primarily, children. So into the wheat flour go thiamin and iron and riboflavin; and yeast and soybean oil and other (hard to pronounce) stuff; plus preservatives for longer shelf life, and every item therein is multiply taxed.

And bread itself is not labeled with the ingredients list; that comes on the plastic bag container, which has multi-colored ink imprintings (ink producers are taxed) and has a plastic clip or plastic-covered wire closure. Plastic comes from raw materials (taxed), through processors (taxed), to produce containers and seals of uniform sizes (taxed), and then shipped to bakers (taxed). So each component, from the farmer to every entity that provides each and every product or service which gets that loaf of bread to the grocer's shelf, is a funding source for the government—AT YOUR EXPENSE!

And if there are any phone calls between any of these individuals or companies, each of them pays telephone taxes, state and local excise taxes, and all pay monthly fees (taxes) to support the 911 call center so that someone is there to answer the suicide hot line when you call to protest that you can't take it anymore.

You probably never gave much, if any, thought to a bread tax, because it's not on the IRS form. But figure it out. Your pay stub (if you're fortunate enough to still get a paycheck) will probably show that 20% or 25% (or more!) has been taken from you by the federal IRS and state IRS and social security taxes. What there is that remains, after you've paid up-front taxes, is your after-tax income, which is immediately hit with a sales tax on whatever you buy (and in Chicago that's at a rate of 10.25%). Always there are the hidden taxes, as in the case of a loaf of bread, chewing away at your after-tax dollars.

And please note that every other item that is in your grocery basket, no matter what it is, has the same hidden taxes as there are on that loaf of bread. And the weekly flyer from the grocery store to advertise its "sale price on bread"? Well, that takes foresters and loggers and their equipment and vehicles (all taxed, of course) and the processors who turn wood into pulp and then into paper, on which they then rely upon ink producers and printers to imprint, and on truckers to haul, and then, of course, on the USPS (a non-profit government enterprise whose services our congressional representatives get for free, paid by taxpayers, of course) to deliver all those store ads to your mailbox.

This message is not brought to you by anyone on the government payroll (as in "I'm with the government, I'm here to help {myself}, but don't interrupt my nap"), no. I, however, am merely a curmudgeon, an observer of things to be seen and to be pontificating upon from my soapbox, as, for example, upon issues of interest to the modern-day U.S. serfs and vassals who are subjected to the whims and profits of those who promise much, take much, and deliver little. (See "I'm with the government" above.)

And we wonder, with the federal, state, and local governments operating like a mega-horsepower Hoover-vac on full-power super-suck, getting all those dollars from all those countless resources, how the government continually runs deficits. Could it be that government payrolls and benefits and pensions and "perks" and all the corruptions are exempt from the Hoover-vac?

Dear Editor:

Another excellent -zine [Re: Middle Income Richard's No. 42]; Earth Friend Gen was a joy to observe; re: bin Laden--why take him out, if he and the Taliban, which we also can't seem to take out, are the best buffer against Russia (or the soviets, or whoever they call themselves or pretend to be) . . . ?

Too many weird shoes--do you have a fetish or something?

Take care,

Jeff Carpenter
Chicago South Suburbs
via e-mail

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Dear Editor:

As usual, you are too bazaar for me.

Good luck and take care,

Jack Taylor
Frankfort, KY
via e-mail

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Dear Editor:

Mr. Energy!

It's amazing to me how your mind works!

Dan Sueper
Bellevue, NE
via e-mail

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Dear Editor:

Que manos tan lindas y abiertas. Gracias, querido y conocido hermano.

Rolando Rodriguez
Somewhere in Oregon
via e-mail

[Editor's note: We don't know exactly what Rolando here writes. However, we did attend one full year of high school with him, so it isn't as if we have no clue. He's probably just swearing in Spanish :-)]

Everytime's Repeated Media Message:
----------------------------------------------------

It's no secret that one of America's most inventive founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break" in the media not by pandering to the tastes of those old stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with something completely different all on his own. He published a simple one-page annual periodical called Poor Richard's Almanack and sold it along the streets and rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred seventy-odd years later, you get Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack which someday (maybe) will actually find some cybertronic marketplace and actually sell a copy or two--especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully, installed on a commercial website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson, owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

So far, for the past zillion issues, this e-rag's been free. But before the next zillion are published, this particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away; and you'll be asked to cough up with as many as twelve U.S. dollars, via credit card or otherwise, to that nutty parent company called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission and supplication to continue sending in your cards, letters, ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol' coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts, the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally, of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.

* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!

—W. Somerset Maugham (1874–1965)

#####################################################################################

Coming to you exclusively now
from Middle Income Richard's...

PROBING THE GREAT BIBLICAL MYSTERIES

ONE INSPIRING CHURCH SIGN AT A TIME . . .

Read one way, this assures us that God is female.

(Or else, of course, God herself needs to be praying for this feminine land mass called "America")

And now for something completely different...

(for the next time you wonder...
...what paint to put on the hallway ceiling)

Mid Ink Rick now offers another
Photo ID Guessing Game "contest"

(Your prize for guessing correctly? Hey, just like the Fed does it: your grandchildren will pay for your instant gratification. Far be it from Nephew Mid not to follow Uncle Sam's good example!)

WHAT (exactly) IS THIS?

Your remaining challenge is to figure out where exactly to submit your guesswork; and, no, it's not Zombie headquarters!

And last time? Dan Baglione, of California, was the most closest to least winning the non-prize:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dan Baglione
Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 5:05 PM
To: The Troubadour
Subject: Re: Middle Income Richard's No. 42

--
Dan Baglione
On the Foresthill Divide, 7 miles from Rucky Chucky
Run Long, Run Strong!
Exceed your expectations!

Yo! This is an "owl butterfly," which was photographed (incredibly) at The Bellagio in Las Vegas, Nevada, last March.

Last time we also feetured shoes

We're thinking some pro tennis chica donned these tennies, then, unfortunately, lost the tournament.

And finally, you know there once was a time when "Beaver" had a whole different meaning...

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop"...
--Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

Photo credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) Sgt. Kimberly Munley (hope2forget30, TwitPic); 2) Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan (Uniformed Services University/ZUMA Press photo); 3) Actual store in Phoenix, AZ (unknown Internet source); 4) Indian blanket (unknown Internet source); 5) Rednecks (unknown Internet source); 6) Blago pumpkin (Chicago Tribune); 7) Vertical Fototoon pics (unknown Internet source, except for go.to/funpic); 8) Vogue pseudo cover (unknown Internet source); 9) DeVolution (from Manthropology_Reuters/Hachette); 10) Navajo Code Talkers (self-provided photo); 11) church sign (Rich Limacher photo); 12) ceiling (unknown Internet source); 13) subject matter & photo credit info withheld until next edition of MIR; 14) owl butterfly (AP photo); 15) Melanie Oudin's shoes at U.S. Open (ept-sports photo); 16) bumper sticker and "Eddie Haskell, Beaver Cleaver, and Wally Cleaver" (unknown Internet source); 17) Another Veteran (photo identified online); unless otherwise credited, all other images are public domain clip art.

Parting shot:
Another Veteran

One in whom Mid Inc Rick has a rather significant interest

[click to discover why: http://spg.navymemorial.org/individual.aspx?&navy_log_id=257995]

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

[Middle Income Richard's will return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and
similarly improbable opportunity in the future]