Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack, No. 41

MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD'S
Third Millennium Almanack
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A webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
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Number 41, Winter 2009
In the 9th year of the 21st century
© 2009 Rich Limacher
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This webzine is dedicated to the
replacement of winter with spring

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Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else (including praise and adulation) to...

TheTroubadour@sbcglobal.net

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OK, maybe these bytes might be, but you'll find the real deal by clicking on this:

"The Education President" (who hasn't any) introduces that total disaster of public school reform known as "No Child Left Behind" [which basically means that education only gets funded on the basis of test scores; so now all the teachers just teach all the kids how to score higher on the tests].

9/11 was Iraq's fault, so, obviously, war had to be waged against Iraq--which war, by the way, is likely to last longer than the Bush Presidency (maybe both Bushes!).

Saddam Hussein was accused of harboring weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) and that was the other excuse for going to war; and here are the results: No WMDs, no more Saddam, but lots more war!

By the way, Afghanistan (which likely did harbor terrorists) had to be bombed first, and it was; but the terrorists somehow managed to escape, ride out the storm, wait for Iraq to exhaust the American economy, then move back.

Guess whose "real fault" all this was? Osama bin Laden. Guess who's STILL "out there" running around loose? Osama bin Laden.

Iraq's got the oil so, to "The Education President," the Iraq war will pay for itself with all that captured oil!

So who got paid most from "all that captured oil" (or from any oil whatsoever)? ExxonMobil, BP, and all the other American (and British) oil companies and of course Halliburton, and guess what? The Bushes are "oil men" and Cheney was (supposedly past tense, ha ha) the top dog at Halliburton.

Meanwhile insurance, Wall Street, and automakers go broke, demand HUGE bailouts; and guess what, fans? THEY GET THEM!!!

So who are the Americans now best equipped to ride out the American storm and thrive well into the future? The Bushes and the Cheneys!!!

r
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rare - wisdom - and - fluff

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"Feetures" in this issue include:

a) HOPE, part 1
b) Bush's Top Ten
c) Vertical Fototoon
d) "Hope," part limerick
e) [Must Read] Serious Article on Terrorism
f)   Pay-to-Play Politics, Illinois-Style
g) PONZI: Medoff, Social Security, and Our Hero
h) A Whole 'Nother Kind of Retirement
i)   New Year's Eve RANT
j)   Yankee Folly of the Day
k) E-letters To The Editor
l) Inestimable Effendi Speaks: The Curmudgeon Chronicles
m) Everytime's Media Message
n) This Just In: Dad At The Mall
o) Recommended Websites
p)  Inspiring Signs
q) And now for something completely different...
r)   Photo Guessing Game
s) Office Joke
t)   Stuffed Sausage or Baloney
u) Hang in There, Sunshine
v) White House Family and Visitors

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The most hopeless thing ever is called hope,
Touted by leaders right up to the pope--
But here is what's real:
They all cheat and steal--
So please, will someone just hand me a rope?

Juval Aviv was the Israeli Agent upon whom the movie Munich was based. He was Golda Meir's bodyguard--she appointed him to track down and bring to justice the Palestinian terrorists who took the Israeli athletes hostage and killed them during the Munich Olympic Games.

In a lecture in New York City a few weeks ago, he shared information that EVERY American needs to know--but that our government has not yet shared with us.

He predicted the London subway bombing on the Bill O'Reilly show on Fox News stating publicly that it would happen within a week. At the time, O'Reilly laughed and mocked him saying that in a week he wanted him back on the show. But, unfortunately, within a week the terrorist attack had occurred.

Juval Aviv gave intelligence (via what he had gathered in Israel and the Middle East ) to the Bush Administration about 9/11 a month before it occurred. His report specifically said they would use planes as bombs and target high profile buildings and monuments. Congress has since hired him as a security consultant.

Now for his future predictions: He predicts the next terrorist attack on the U.S. will occur within the next few months. [Editor's note: Middle Income Richard's has long held, and published, a private theory that--since Osama bin Laden has not been found during the Bush Administration--it just might eventually proved to be true that bin Laden has enjoyed the protection of the Bush Administration. Thus: Bush promises not to kill bin Laden (unlike Hussein) in exchange for bin Laden's not attacking America again during his presidency, which then establishes Mr. Bush as something of a protector-hero. But this theory suggests that now, as of January 20, 2009, all bets and "deals" are off.]

Forget hijacking airplanes, because he says terrorists will NEVER try and hijack a plane again as they know the people onboard will never go down quietly again. Aviv believes our airport security is a joke--that we have been reactionary rather than proactive in developing strategies that are truly effective.

For example:

1) Our airport technology is outdated. We look for metal, and the new explosives are made of plastic.

2) He talked about how some idiot tried to light his shoe on fire. Because of that, now everyone has to take off their shoes. A group of idiots tried to bring aboard liquid explosives. Now we can't bring liquids on board. He says he's waiting for some suicidal maniac to pour liquid explosive on his underwear, at which point security will have us all traveling naked! Every strategy we have is "reactionary."

3) We only focus on security when people are heading to the gates. Aviv says that if a terrorist attack targets airports in the future, they will target busy times on the front end of the airport when/where people are checking in. It would be easy for someone to take two suitcases of explosives, walk up to a busy check-in line, ask a person next to them to watch their bags for a minute while they run to the restroom or get a drink, and then detonate the bags BEFORE security even gets involved. In Israel , security checks bags BEFORE people can even ENTER the airport.

Aviv says the next terrorist attack here in America is imminent and will involve suicide bombers and non-suicide bombers in places where large groups of people congregate [i.e., Disneyland, Las Vegas casinos, big cities (New York, San Francisco, Chicago, etc.)] and that it will also include shopping malls, subways in rush hour, train stations, etc., as well as rural America this time (Wyoming, Montana, etc.).

The attack will be characterized by simultaneous detonations around the country (terrorists like big impact), involving at least 5-8 cities, including rural areas.

Aviv says terrorists won't need to use suicide bombers in many of the larger cities, because at places like the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, they can simply valet park a car loaded with explosives and walk away.

Aviv says all of the above is well known in intelligence circles, but that our U.S. government does not want to 'alarm American citizens' with the facts.

The world is quickly going to become "a different place," and issues like "global warming" and "political correctness" will become totally irrelevant.

On an encouraging note, he says that Americans don't have to be concerned about being nuked. Aviv says the terrorists who want to destroy America will not use sophisticated weapons. They like to use suicide as a front-line approach. It's cheap, it's easy, it's effective, and they have an infinite abundance of young militants more than willing to "meet their destiny."

He also says the next level of terrorists, over which America should be most concerned, will not be coming from abroad. But will be, instead, "homegrown"--having attended and been educated in our own schools and universities right here in the U.S. He says to look for "students" who frequently travel back and forth to the Middle East. These young terrorists will be most dangerous because they will know our language and will fully understand the habits of Americans, but that we Americans won't know/understand a thing about them.

Aviv says that, as a people, Americans are unaware and uneducated about the terroristic threats we will, inevitably, face. America still has only have a handful of Arabic and Farsi speaking people in our intelligence networks, and Aviv says it is critical that we change that fact SOON. [Editor's note: Middle Income Richard's has been advocating this since first publishing. MIR's opinion is that a "war on terror" should be fought by covert missions of intelligent, appropriate language-speaking U.S. spies, and NOT by sending the military to invade foreign countries.]

So, what can America do to protect itself? From an intelligence perspective, Aviv says the U.S. needs to stop relying on satellites and technology for intelligence. We need to, instead, follow Israel's, Ireland's, and England's hands-on examples of human intelligence, both from an infiltration perspective as well as to trust "aware" citizens to help. We need to engage and educate ourselves as citizens; however, our U.S. government continues to treat us, its citizens, "like babies." Our government thinks we "can't handle the truth" and are concerned that we'll panic if we understand the realities of terrorism. Aviv says this is a deadly mistake.

Aviv recently created and executed a security test for our Congress, by placing an empty briefcase in five well-traveled spots in five major cities. The results? Not one person called 911 or sought police to check it out. In fact, in Chicago, someone tried to steal the briefcase!

In comparison, Aviv says that citizens of Israel are so "well trained" that an unattended bag or package would be reported in seconds by citizens who know to publicly shout, "Unattended Bag!" The area would be quickly and calmly cleared by the citizens themselves. But unfortunately, America hasn't been yet "hurt enough" by terrorism for the government to fully understand the need to educate its citizens, or for the government to understand that it's the citizens who are, inevitably, the best first-line of defense against terrorism.

Aviv also was concerned about the high number of children here in America who were in preschool and kindergarten after 9/11, who were "lost" without parents being able to pick them up, and about our schools that had no plan in place to best care for the students until parents could get there. (In New York City, this took days in some cases!)

He stresses the importance of having a plan, that's agreed upon within your family, to respond to in the event of a terroristic emergency. He urges parents to contact their children's schools and demand that the schools, too, develop plans of action, as they do in Israel.

Does your family know what to do if you can't contact one another by phone? Where would you gather in an emergency? He says we should all have a plan that is easy enough for even our youngest children to remember and follow.

Aviv says that the U.S. government has in force a plan that, in the event of another terrorist attack, will immediately cut-off EVERYONE's ability to use cell phones, blackberries, etc., as this is the preferred communication source used by terrorists and is often the way that their bombs are detonated.

How will you communicate with your loved ones in the event you cannot speak? You need to have a plan.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the governor's mansion in Springfield. One is from Chicago, another is from Mattoon, and the third is from Peoria. All three go with a staff member from the governor's office to examine the fence.

The Peoria contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring, and then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900--$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Mattoon contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700--$300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure anything, but leans over to the staff member and whispers, "$2,700."

The governor's staff member is only slightly incredulous, but keeps his cool. He says to the Chicago contractor, "I see you are very skilled at estimating, sir. It is a remarkable ability you have to compute all this in your head. We're always looking for craftsmen with your kinds of skills." Then he leans over and whispers, "Off the record, of course, how did you arrive at your figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "Five C-notes for you, five for me, a grand for your boss's reelection campaign, and we hire the Mattoon dude to fix the fence."

You Now Know About Medoff...
But Is Social Security
Also A Ponzi Scheme?

As we've said before, we generally do not trust a house of cards.

And from that ever-dependable resource, Wikipedia:

"As a political metaphor, some free-market economists, such as Thomas Sowell, and the Cato Institute have argued that national social security systems, such as the Social Security system in the United States and the National Insurance system in the United Kingdom, are actually large-scale Ponzi schemes. In economic terms, these pension systems are often referred to as pay-as-you-go or unfunded national pension plans.

Sowell and others point out that, under these national systems, incoming payments, made up of taxes and/or other kinds of non-voluntary 'contributions,' are neither saved nor invested. Instead, current contributions (from one set of individuals, due benefits at a later time) are used to pay for current benefits (to another set of individuals). The critics of Social Security say that, as North American demographics trend toward more pensioners and fewer workers, this pay-as-you-go system has begun to show its inherent flaws. Therein lies the basis for the Ponzi scheme metaphor: that the system relies on a steady flow of new contributors, just as a Ponzi scheme relies on a steady flow of new 'investors.'"

Yo, and Mid Inc Rick taught y'all about this whacked stuff last time (which was before Medoff's years-long raping of the American economy first came to light)

"If we are to truly celebrate the end of the Age of Nefarious ('...when the goon moves into Lincoln's house and stupider aligns with Mars...') that we have suffered through over the past eight years, we must switch our focus from lamenting what's wrong to designing and living what we would like instead. Put another way, to quote Van Jones, Martin Luther King did not say, 'I have a complaint.'"

Recent Relief Offered Over the Ever-Helpful Internet:

Another Kind of 401 Retirement Plan

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.

But if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."

I hop everbod haz had sucha ecstatic new year, orgasms by April will numba 10-to-the-100-trillionth power.

It could take weeks generating such a number. I rahmember readin' in the New Yorker 'bout how some dweebs workin' on mainframes were carrying out pi to infinite decimal places. I axtchooly think they'd been cranking out numbers fer years... and the number of decimal places, if printed out on perforated continuous- printout paper, could fill buildings.]

An' dys moanin' I'm a tad disturbed. It comes from contemplating Earth through eggnog. Heavily spiked eggnog with Jim Beam. Frankly? I foresee the coming Greater Depression. The ONLY seeming good light is the HOPEFUL feelings that folks just might get from Obama--who, frankly, has no clue either how to fix this mess, but he's Jung enough so as not yet to be totally jaded, like moi.

There was an amazing NOVA program on the other night... about missions to Mars. Very, very cool. I am fascinated by all deze geeky wizards what can control robots on a globe half-a-solar-system away. THAT jive makes me wanna jump up and cheer! THAT's the New Frontier. And THAT'S eggzacklee what earthlings need to be doing instead of killing each other over oil.

Anyway, that little robotic digger dug up ground on Mars and--without any doubt--found water. Well, ice. And once those little ice globules hit sunlight--even on Mars, and over a couple of days--they evaporated. NASA dweebs watched those hour-by-hour photographs... and boom: MADE THE SINGLE GREATEST DISCOVERY BY EARTHLINGS SO FAR. And yet? Every idiot on Earth would rather watch fuggwadded football, domestic non-bliss in Tinseltown, and the crashings and burnings of bitches like Britney Spears. Nobody "gets it," do they? In another few billion years, Earth is gonna look just like Mars!

In fact, my own little theory is that Earthlings came from Mars. Several billions of years ago, THEY coulda tried hard (but too late) to save themselves by escaping to another planet, but all that managed to arrive here--and survive and prosper--were little single-cells... that ultimately grew and evolved to populate Earth. No trace, of course, of those original Martian spaceships, eh? Of course not. BUT... I'm thinkin' traces of that stuff remains to be dug up on Mars.

[An alternative theory might be that all other planets all sustained life at some point, and now don't. Earth is the last one left with life. At least in THIS solar system. Of course, there could be other solar systems out there yet to be discovered. All of which, again, argues more for shooting rockets than guns.]

But why are all these genius scientists all geeks? Dweebs? And emotional thumbsuckers? Most of them carve new caverns in the soul of mankind. They are dry, bloodless, cool and calculating and--if they were stupid--would otherwise run for Congress. And yet, how too quickly do we realize their mega-total deficiencies as basic human beings. Life is MORE than what they invent, carve, insulate themselves from, or waste--and we know it but somehow they don't. It's like they invent the machines, but have no answer to "why machinery? Why not humanity?"

They are all, ya know, all those genie-rust SCIENTISTS are all engaged in the rather dubious business of building artificial intelligence--which will survive us... and still be functioning after all people are long dead... that is, of course, until their warranty runs out and some key component needs to be repaired or replaced "at the manufacturer's option."

Well haul raht. As Poe once asked and I now answer: there IS "balm in Gilead" after all. It's called eggnog.

Ah, and in another five billion years, the robots will be back on Mars, pulling fake cream out of mechanical cows all hopped up on artificial whiskey.

There is (supposedly now) ONE brand-new planet orbiting a far distant star, whereas I might've thought there'd be billions. The just-photographed newfound planet-in-another-solar-system is pic #45 of 49. [But I think that little "white dot" planet is lower left, as you look at it, instead of lower right as the stupid caption reads. Proof once again, by the way, that without English majors, grammarians, and proofreaders, this Earth's output for eons would all be in error--the possible quantity of which mistakes might even amount to 10-to-the-100-trillionth power.]

"I am the innovator. I am the originator. I am the emancipator. I am the architect of rock 'n' roll!"
—Little Richard

[WHO among us remembers a very seldom-aired tune of the early '70s called "I am the magnificent W-O-O-O." Anybody? Mid Inc Rick now thinks it must've just been another amazing composition by one Little Richard which has advanced civilization immeasurably.]

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

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Yankee Folly of the Day:
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[OK, it's just a "pretend" folly, but we kinda like this PhotoShopped photo :-]

[Boogie-Woogie, Any Body?]

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

Dear Editor:

Hey, I always enjoy your almanac, but I have to point out a little math error:

[MIR #40 stated] "So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion; that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend."

I get $425 on my calculator, but maybe that's just me :-)

Matt Mahoney
Melbourne, FL
via e-mail

[Editor's note: That's correct, Matt! Sorry for not checking this math before publishing, but grateful for your conscientiousness afterward. Well done, and thanks! Now, of course, we're not sure what this revelation does to integrity of that article. Perhaps it makes no difference, since none of us are ever likely to receive a "We Deserve It Dividend."]

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Dear Editor:

Yes, the economy sucks. Let's face it. Too many people aren't content with just breathing fresh air any more, or picking food from a garden, or even riding a bike to work. But hey, I'm just the dummy that can't get another zero behind his salary.

Jim Jaracz
Hobart, IN
via e-mail

[Editor's note: No, not a "dummy" at all! Jim here is a firefighter, and therefore one of America's heroes. Thanks for the message!]

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Dear Editor:

This greeting probably wasn't heard in Eden. Around these parts, west of Eden, it's iterated now and then and now again, any way and anywhere. Thanks for the issue and "gesundheit."

It's 10/4/08, 872 years after another Troubadour troubled the waters. So is it pronounced "troobly" or "trubly"? Either way is appropriate and welcomed. ¡Paz y Bien!

Yours too,
Rolando Rodriguez
China Mountain (El Cachito?), OR
via e-mail

[Editor's note: "Rolando" (we knew him only as Roland) and "yours troubly" (pronounced TROO-blee) attended high school together, and he apparently studied more languages--although the grammatical antecedents in English for his "this" ("greeting" which?) and his "It's" (pronoun) presently escapes us. <grin?> But perhaps Mid Inc Rick is guilty of excising too much from Rolando's original message, which was considerably longer and not for publication. Also the "Troubadour" reference to some Middle Age song-and-dance man also evades antecedence. Doing the math however (again) leaves a date of 1136 AD, and so we're thinking maybe Rolando refers to St. Francis of Assisi, whose name was invoked (often, and while singing) at the high school we attended. So, we hope this completely clarifies nothing! But, hey, thanks for the message :-]

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[Editor's Note: A friend writes the following, and the following only.]

Dear Editor:

FYI I am no longer using this e-mail address. Thanks!

[Editor's note: Of course, since no other e-address is indicated (or known) this pretty well stops the subscription, eh? Well, thanks for reading as long as you did.]

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLES:

Trillion Dollar Deficits!

Zimbabwe: the nation of 1,000,000% inflation, which recently printed ZW$1,000,000,000 as everyday currency.

They then did a hocus pocus revaluation and printed revised currency to ZW$10,000,000,000 notes (enough to buy about 8 gallons of water); now has its residents lined up at banks to get what they can.

The country is pleading for international help to deal with a total breakdown of its health care system and rampant cholera, and has one of the most rampant AIDS/HIV infections in the world.

The leader for the past 30 years, Mugabe, "redistributed" land from white landowners to the predominantly black population and has been in a downhill spiral, increasingly so in the last 10 years and, obviously, the government is not claiming corruption to be a cause. The blame goes to drought AND to the lack of support from predominantly Anglo-Saxon nations.

Once home to a thriving tourist industry and a breadbasket for the continent (Victoria Falls and the Zambezi River were primary attractions along with the now deforested forests), tourists now avoid the place, due, in part, to disease and human rights violations and the governance. They are flailing with a failing economy, and asking the Anglo-Saxon based countries to bail them out because they are overburdened with debt and can't raise what they need to support their populace.

How many trillions are in our national debt? Where does the money come from to support bailouts? (There is now over a trillion $$$ in promised bailout money, more than double the cost of the 6-year war in Iraq.)

And we have a patchwork quilt (with lots of split-open seams) of medical care providers, due to costs of malpractice litigation and Medicare-reduced compensation and slow-pay/no-pay Medicaid (Illinois is billions in arrears); the medical schools cannot find enough applicants willing to study and graduate and practice; small towns are becoming devoid of medical practitioners; and the US is not capable of dealing with a national epidemic.

-Print more money?
-Revalue the dollar?
-Investments and retirement funds become unable to sustain those depending on them?
-Add an extra zero before the "." on Social Security checks?
-And what will your wheelbarrow of greenbacks buy?

-Cut medicare/medicaid payments to the revalued dollar?
-Medical programs that provide for the ailing have no financing?

The ailing need more life support systems (as with HIV/AIDS & cholera), further depleting the health care provider network workers.

The lack of "family" doctors is critical. Try to find (a non-immigrant) one if you are a new patient and/or if your "managed care" health care provider doesn't have the primary care doctor on its approved list, and you can't see the specialist who can help relieve your ailment unless you have a referral from the "managed care" doctor. Whatever community you call home is just one general practice doctor away from being unable to handle your personal medical needs.

So be nice to your kids (or figure out how to adopt rich ones and doctors), for your financial and/or health future depends on it.

Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior:

Receipts.

Why are vendors virtually unanimous in tendering receipts?

Why must the grocery store issue receipts that are over a foot long, itemizing each purchased item, and annotating the item with "you saved" figures; and the bottom line of the lengthy receipt doesn't indicate the amount you are to pay--only the amount "saved." You wouldn't have bought the item if it was FULL PRICE, so you've SAVED NOTHING, but you still have to search for the amount your items cost. Why do the checkout tapes hide what you've spent?

Why do you need a receipt for items you purchased and carried away from the fast food counter?

Why do you need multiple receipts, itemizing the food and drinks consumed by individual charges, at a dining establishment plus another receipt for the total bill (plus tip)?

Why do you need a receipt at the gas pump? (At least most stations have a pay-at-the-pump "no receipt" option.)

What are you to do at the checkout counter? Check everything you bought against the receipt--and against what you recall as the price on the display gondola?

OK, bear with me on this supermarket thrill: You are second in line behind the proverbial little old lady who has 25 items in cart, in the 15-or-less checkout lane, and is checking against her recollection of newspaper advertised prices. And then she checks if she brought her store discount card so that she can then recheck what the "bargain" prices were that she was supposed to be charged, but then comes the BOLT FROM THE BLUE recognition that she must also pay for these items--but first she must look through a folder full of coupons and prior store receipts that possibly contain offers of additional discounts!

Cash?

She will search her cavernous purse for bills & change or use a credit card or maybe debit card or possibly write a check, in which case--if the cashier isn't spending time chatting with an associate--the cashier will need to call in a senior associate to approve the sale of the bottle of booze that this little old lady was calling "groceries," and then the senior associate will need to confirm the identity of the little old lady, via identity card, and THEN at the end of this scenario, the little old lady receives a receipt (!!!) which she must then check against all her purchases so as to discover if there are discrepancies--because the vendor requires that customers have such receipts--but first she must slide her charge card through the credit/debit card reader device and said device requires her to acknowledge whether or not the charged amount is or is not correct, before she can even get the receipt to check it against all the purchased items, so that then when she has already agreed to the amount charged before she gets the receipt... which of course then means that, if she wants to challenge anything, you'll then be standing even longer while the two of them go item-by-item through a completely unintelligible lengthy freaking receipt!

Once you've left whatever vendor where you've made any purchase whatsoever, God help you. Oh, and if you don't need his help, do you ever again in your life look at that receipt?

How many trees would be saved if printed receipts were not handed out? Why is there this obsessive-compulsive disorder to hand out receipts?

The first funding for these brand-new "bailout rescue plans" should come, perhaps, from those who have long garnered the most profit: the damn lumber mills that readily supply all the raw material to make all this PAPER!

Everytime's Repeated Media Message:
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It's no secret that one of America's most inventive founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break" in the media not by pandering to the tastes of those old stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with something completely different all on his own. He published a simple one-page annual periodical called "Poor Richard's Almanack" and sold it along the streets and rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred seventy-odd years later, you get "Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack" which someday (maybe) will actually find some cybertronic marketplace and actually sell a copy or two--especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully, installed on a commercial website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson, owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

So far, for the past zillion issues, this e-rag's been free. But before the next zillion are published, this particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away; and you'll be asked to cough up with as many as twelve U.S. dollars, via credit card or otherwise, to that nutty parent company called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission and supplications to continue sending in your cards, letters, ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol' coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts, the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally, of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.

* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, ``What`s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?`

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, because he would no doubt have a good one.

In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response... `Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.`

( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )

"I'm not a woman. I'm a force of nature."

—Courtney Love

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There are many, and several. Among them:

The Coming Depression...

THIS IS A MUST-READ!

Gov. Rod Blagojevich has the dubious distinction of being the first-ever governor in Illinois history to actually be:

IMPEACHED!!!

Only 7 governors have ever been impeached and/or removed from office throughout U.S. history:

The Magnificent Seven!

[Here's the "fun" one]

Click on THIS and then look around the page till you see a "Play" button that puts sound into YourSpace. Mid Inc Rick, all by himself, makes all that sound!

"Although no one's actually witnessed this visually, there are reports today that joggers in a certain memorial park in Springfield, Illinois, have felt some underground spinning vibrations in the vicinity of Lincoln's tomb."

HERE'S YOUR BUBBLE-HEADED BLONDE:

"If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection it will melt all the rest of your records."

—David Lee Roth

Coming to you exclusively now
from Middle Income Richard's...

INSPIRING SIGNS!

Hmm... sometimes maybe even signs that are spelled correctly could use a little proofreading:

[But maybe good loving God-fearing Christians don't really think like that.]

And now for something completely different...

First African-American President in U.S. History?

Nah. His name is Michael Lamar, from Philadelphia, currently touring France as a suddenly famous look-alike apparently hawking some personal "political" agenda of his own. [Editor's Note: You'll no doubt be seeing this guy again, if the Secret Service has anything to say about it. So who remembers that classic Kevin Kline movie: Dave?]

Mid Ink Rick now offers another
Photo ID Guessing Game "contest"

(Your prize for guessing correctly? Hey, just like the Fed does it: your grandchildren will pay for your instant gratification. Far be it from Mid not to follow good example!)

WHO's THIS?
WHEN's THIS?

Your other challenge is to figure out where exactly to submit your guesswork and, no, it's not Zombie headquarters!

And last time? No one got this right, although there were some "interesting" guesses!

Best guess? Toned fingers on a supple hand...
but no. This is our "fave" contortionist Zlata of Germany.

And a good guess of triathlon ("they attract unusual crowds") for the second photo was also incorrect. Basically it was just like it looked like: some kind of halloween-type costume party in a Colorado park. [Editor's Note: further details are available, should anyone write to ask.]

A third pic was also just what it said it was: a lamp!

"I'm tired of people calling me a devil worshipper... because if the Devil did exist, he'd be worshipping me."

—Marilyn Manson
(possibly Ill. politicians as well)

And Now a Joke for the Office:

Subject: always be complimentary...

My grandpa always said, "If you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all."

A wife is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight is darn near perfect."

Here's the same
previously alluded-to baloney,
but now in more marketable form:

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop"...
--Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

Photo credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) Obama "Hope" campaign banner (thisisthefirstfloor-blogspot.com); 2) blinking Bush (youforgotpoland.com); 3) F*** Winter (unknown Internet source); 4) US Atty Patrick Fitzgerald (boston.com); 5) Patti "Pottymouth" Blagojevich (Michael Tercha at Chicago Tribune); 6) Roland Burris new Jr. Sen. from IL (AP); 7) newly impeached IL Gov. Rod R. Blagojevich looking like Moe from "The Three Stooges" (Chicago Magazine); 8) Charles Ponzi 1920 mug shot (Wikipedia); 9) obviously faked "Dancing with the Stars" depiction of Barrack Obama dancing with Sarah Palin (unknown Internet source); 10) apparent Church of God sign (at www.geetrish.com); 11) Obama look-alike Michael Lamar of Philadelphia, now touring France (AFP); 12) subject matter & photo credit info withheld until next edition of MIR; 13) German contortionist Zlata (from www.zlata.de); 14) Blagojevich stuffed toy-like Cabbage Patch doll (unknown Internet source); 15) "You're Special" cartoon drawing (unknown Internet source); 16) "Visiting Family & Friends" desert travel photo (unknown Internet source); all other images are public domain clip art.

So, there's a new family in the White House?

(Besides a mother-in-law, we bet they'll be others wanting to move in too :)

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[Middle Income Richard's will return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and
similarly improbable opportunity in the future]