And now we should like
to present to you:







Summertime







Complete with...


...lots of cool refreshing water





...lots of interesting politics





...and of course the summer Olympic Games
in fresh-air China

------------------------------------

This webzine is supposed to
make you cry till you laugh

------------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else (including praise and adulation) to...

TheTroubadour@sbcglobal.net


---------------------------------------------

Baud, what frauds these e-bytes be!

---------------------------------------------

OK, maybe these bytes might be, but you'll find the real deal by clicking on this:

The Zombies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Congratulations,
Senator Obama,
Now
Who's Minding
the Senate?





[We're thinking, maybe political races... ought to be races?]

[We're also thinking, if Hillary looked this good,
Monica would have never had a chance!]


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

( O_O )

Chair of Contents:

 r
  e
  g
  u
  l
 a
  rare - wisdom - and - fluff       
  f                                      e               |   |
  e v e r y t h i n g   -  e l s e     ____________
  a                                      d      feetures:
   t                                      b    p on scrolli
  u                                      a    e              n
  r                                       c    e              o
  e                                       k   k               n
ps page numbers are no longer necessary
----------------------------------------------------------------
(because everything is all on one page)
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Feetures" in this issue include:

a)  Mighty Mississippi Flooding Fotos (throughout)
b)  The Lovin' Spoonful / The Growlin' Spiteful
c)  Feet, Shoes, Shoeshines, No Feet At All
d)  Lee Iacocca Speaks
e)  A Small Note
f)   Yiii Mail (feedback-and-forth)
g)  Summer Romance (here and throughout)
h)  Effendi Speaks
i)   Up Whose?
j)   Vertical Fototoon
k)  This Just In (Bush x 2)
l)   Yankee Folly
m) For the Dummies (x 2)
n)  Recommended Websites
o)  Department of Bumper Sticklers
p)  Future Headlines
q)  New Feature: Inspiring Signs!
r)   Something Different: Wisdom?
s)  R.I.P. includin' a coupla pointers re: Jeeze
t)   Darth, Enlightened
u)  Stop the Ocean, I Want to Get OUT!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    __     __
( Q_Q )

No, it's not an island.  It was a farm near Quincy, Illinois.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

"A Stupid White Men's Guide to 'Accountability'

"If you're pissed off, say that you 'demand accountability.'  If you're caught doing something stupid, blame someone else and claim there's a 'lack of accountability.'  If you want to use feigned concern as an excuse for screwing people over, choose someone and 'hold them accountable.'"

                                                          --Michael Moore
                                                             Author, Stupid White Men

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

OK, who remembers The Lovin' Spoonful?

Summer in the City
(John Sebastian/Steve Boone)

Hot town, summer in the city
Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
Been down, Isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city

All around, people looking half dead
Walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head.

But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come-on come-on and dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be alright
And, Babe, don't you know it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, In the city, In the summer, In the city.

Cool town, evening in the city
Dressing so sharp and looking so pretty
Cool cat, looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city

Till I'm wheezing at a bus stop
Running up the stairs, gonna meet you on the rooftop.

But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
Come-on come-on and dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be alright
And, Babe, don't you know it's a pity
That the days can't be like the nights
In the summer, In the city, In the summer, In the city.

©1966 The Lovin' Spoonful
"Hums Of The Lovin' Spoonful"
Kama Sutra Records

Now of course comes a parody...

Politics in the City
(Rich Limacher/Nob Odyelsewould)

Hot damn, Windy in the City
My ears gettin' full of Barack and biddy
Hill's down, Isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a voter in the city

All around, different kinda drum beats
Rappin' from a boombox, prowlin' down the mean streets.

Reality Tube's a different world
Lily white boys get a rose from a girl
Come-ons come-ons, ads bullshitty
Despite their hype they're like all the others
And, McCain, you know it's a pity
That dweebs can't be like the brothers
It's a bummer, In the city, That's a stunner, In the city.

Cool polls, taken in the city
John has no chance and ain't it a pity
Fat cats, sing a little ditty
Wanna preach from every pulpit in the city

My head's spinning like a toy top
Won't anybody please just make all the jive stop?

Government's really a different world
Good old boys get elected by girls
Come-ons come-ons, promos bullshitty
Despite their hype they're like all the others
And, McCain, you know it's a pity
That dweebs can't be like the brothers
It's a bummer, In the city, Lasts all summer, In the city.

©2008 The Growlin' Spiteful
"Gums Of The Grinnin' Toothful"
No Kama No Sutra No Records

Probably useful for kicking certain people out of office:


_ _
QQ
-

In this era of political football, probably what you need most is a foot:








Yup. It's bodypaint!

"He's a man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine.  And when they start not smiling back--that's an earthquake."

                                               --Arthur Miller
                                                  Death of a Salesman

So like, what do you suppose is the socioeconomic class (not to mention political affiliation, race, creed, color, ethnicity, country of origin, gender, age, sexual preference, or physical handicap if any) of the very last person to shine Senator John McCain's wingtips?

[Mid Inc Rick wonders about stuff like this. How about a Green Party, Asian, Hindu, yellow (with albino polka dots), Yiddish, Kuwaiti, hermaphrodite, 17-year-old, lesbian Olympic wheelchair racer working to get to Beijing?]

***************************************************************

Hey, this guy's going to the Olympics!

***************************************************************

Who We Need To Elect, However, Is This Guy:

Here's some excerpts from his new book.
____________________________________________________________
Lee Iacocca says:

"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course."

Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned Titanic. I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!"

You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore.

The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving "pom-poms" instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the "America" my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?

I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have.

The Biggest "C" Is Crisis!

Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.

On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes.

A Hell of a Mess

So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership.

But when you look around, you've got to ask: "Where have all the leaders gone? Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense?" I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.

Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.

Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm.

Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time.

Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen and, more important, what are we going to do about it?

Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.

I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?

Had Enough?

Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope. I believe in America. In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the "Great Depression," "World War II," the "Korean War," the "Kennedy Assassination," the "Vietnam War," the 1970s' oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11.

If I've learned one thing, it's this:

You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines, waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all: "We've had enough."


[Excerpted from Where Have All the Leaders Gone?
Copyright © 2007 by Lee Iacocca. All rights reserved.]

***************************************************************

A Small Note from
Middle Income Richard:


Yo. Chrysler was bankrupt YEARS ago. Then Lee Iacocca took over the reins, and umpteen years later Chrysler's still here. Mid Inc Rick even bought a Dodge Grand Caravan himself. It is now (and still) the best ultramarathoning camping van on the market.

So. America's damn near bankrupt RIGHT NOW.  Who's going to take OUR reins?  What product does our country make and deliver that is, or can be, the very best of its kind in the world?

How about these:

Hydrogen fuel cells!
Cars that run on hydrogen only!
All utilities to be derived from renewable resources only! [helio, hydro, aero]
Reverse-pollution chemical and/or manufacturing plants that actually convert carbon dioxide back into fresh air!
Ozone layer construction and rehabbing!
and finally:
ZERO DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL!
which means:
ZERO DOLLARS FOR TERRORISTS!


Do we need to wait for this kind of light to dawn on--who the hell we got?--Obama?  Clinton?  McCain???

We are going to be waiting a long, long time, my friends.

***************************************************************

"I wasn't a truly genuine trail ultrarunner until March 7, 1992, at the Wild Oak 50 near Harrisonburg, Virginia.  It was a rainy day and simultaneously, while I was piddling on the run, chewing on an energy bar and washing it down with Mountain Dew, my nose was dripping and I farted.  That was the ultimate defining moment in my trail running career, if not my entire life."

                                                         --Bob Boeder
                                                                           Author, Hardrock Fever

***************************************************************

Yesterday's Feedback:

[start] * * * * * * E-commentary to the Editor * * * * * * *

The Richards Dialogs

From: richard h macknick
Sent:  recently

No longer a voice in the wilderness.  Recognition is finally being given that the Midwest is:

"knee deep in the muddy water" [source: Pete Seeger —Ed.].

So now that a few have died and the nation's food supply and agricultural export is suffering and hundreds of thousands of acres will not produce this year and dozens of towns have been & will be inundated and devastated...

expect a shipment of porta-johns.

Dry paper is a personal convenience option.


----------------------------


From: richard h macknick
Sent:  less recently

In New Orleans, residences were built below historic water levels. Levees were built to retain inevitable floods.

Predictably those residences were flooded after a storm

Residents were displaced and, at huge taxpayer expense, received aid, and many continue to receive aid—and complain they should receive more, including their elected congressional rep who has proposed an additional $250,000,000,000 in taxpayer $$$ to fund their "recovery."

In eastern Iowa, southern Wisconsin, northern and western Illinois, residences had long been built above historic water levels, but some drainage patterns have been altered by residential developments.  And so levees were built.

The levees and altered drainage patterns survived as well as they had in New Orleans, but after storms dumped levee-bursting rainfall, tens of thousands of acres and homes flooded and caused displacement of residents (shades of Katrina?).

So where is the aid equivalence for the Midwest "heartland" as it was shelled out to New Orleans and the Gulf Coast?

Where is the media attention to the plight of our displaced residents?

Where is the cry from Nagin for our relief and aid?

Myanmar gets US and universal food & water & related assistance post typhoon.  China gets US and universal food & water & related assistance post quake.  But the best the Midwest can hope for is some lower cost federally guaranteed loan (supported by taxpayer dollars)?

if you (whomever and/or wherever you are) have a potential weather disaster problem, buy insurance for that.  Don't ask taxpayers to fund recovery for your misfortune.  Don't expect me to pay for your bail-out.

Take care of yourself.


----------------------------


From: middle i richard
Sent:  more recently

Inestimable Effendi,

Grittings and halcyons be currently being cheerlessly upchucking from your sink, sirrah. Let us express hopings that your ground water table is being currently below ground but above cess. And long may the leach bed not leak upon the table.

So.

This isn't even "Houston," and we still "have a problem." And, yea woe yea, this one is being even a tad more serious than the space station potty not flushing.

"Katrina for Iowa!" ALL are punishéd.

I am to be assuming that your recent most welcome diatribes are to be considered as being directed against the chiefs that would lead our tribes?

We are both, methinks, somewhat similarly and yet counter-pointedly rapping out these our outrages against said chiefs who take it upon themselves to dictate all the hoodoo and taboo unto the tribes.

And Blago be damned.

And Dubya? Oh gag me with a spoon. Today's news on the radio reported him taking rapid tours of Cedar Rapids and Iowa City. "I am listening to you," he supposedly said.

Right.

What, THREE YEARS LATER and he STILL hasn't even listened to, or learned anything from, the disasters of the Gulf Coast!!!

"The Great and Powerful Oz has deigned to grant your request. But first you must bring me the Carte Blanche card of the Wicked Sheik of the Mideast. Now GO!"

You're thinking that FEMA and the Feds and the rest of our dubiously elected Indian chiefs are going to solve these flooding problems with porta-potties and (maybe) a few extra rolls of Army surplus toilet paper?

Man, this (pick all that apply)
a. state
b. midwest
c. entire Mississippi Valley
d. whole country
is in real, deep, serious, unbelievable trouble.

So.

Mid Inc Rick's proposed solution?
Never mind Iraq.
Bomb Iowa!

Then...

After we've nearly obliterated everything, declared "Mission Accomplished," and waited for the inevitable civil war to emerge among the Presbyterians, the Methodists, and the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutherans and of course the "insurgency," THEN we can pour billions upon billions of dollars into Iowa and save the rest of America from terrorism!


----------------------------


From: richard h macknick
Sent:  most recently

May Allah and his many houses be RAZED!

RE:  Your THREE YEARS LATER...

Let's talk about 15 years.

In 1993 there was massive flooding along the Mississippi River and the rivers & streams leading thereto and the towns alongside,  If you live in a river, expect to get wet.

Levees were built to contain this predictable flooding and people hid behind them like ostriches, knowing the danger but uncaring because it was out of sight.

How stupid can it be to choose to live in a place the river has called its own in the past and will probably do in the future?

Just like in New Orleans . . . or the Atlantic and Gulf coasts . . . or California . . . knowing that forest fire devastation is imminent or [expecting] a major earthquake before the end of the century, but less than 15% buy insurance; and when the devastation inevitably happens, they look to the government (as in our tax dollars) to bail them out from their poor judgment.

Why should taxpayer dollars fund the adversities of those who put themselves at risk?  Why can't they assume their own risk?

• If you live in a flood zone, buy flood insurance
• If you live in a hurricane zone, buy hurricane insurance
• If you live in an earthquake zone, buy earthquake insurance
• If you want to climb a mountain, don't expect me to pay for the search team after you fall.

I don't have the benefits of riverside living or oceanside living or forest and mountain views.  Why should I have to pay for those who do?

We don't need FEMA for those too stupid to watch out for themselves.


----------------------------


[Editor's note:  Yeowza!  But here is something (which started it all?) that the Midwest got that the Gulf Coast didn't :( ]







[end] * * * * * * E-commentary to the Editor * * * * * * *

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

An Exciting Romantic Short Summer Story

[No doubt inspired by Anna Nicole and her life's love, who, if memory serves, lived to a ripe jolly old age, while the bride of his life (what, one-fourth as old?) barely outlived him long enough to cash the check.]

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more horizontal bop. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight, and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but aha! (You guessed it.) Roger is back yet again, rapping on the door one more time, and he's as fresh as a 30-year-old, ready for still more action. And once more they trip the light fantastic.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well, and so often! I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger!"

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old; senility has its advantages.

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

:-)



# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

Inestimable Effendi Speaks

by Richard Macknick,
     Non Muslim


Sim sala bim

(which also comes in a female greeting form as
sim sala bimbo).

Many and several greetings and salutations may be befalling upon your befurred upper appendage, Sahib, and may all the fully coming of age nubiles caress thus appendages frequently and in abundance and may your burnoose afford protection from sun and sand.

Ah yes, the opportunity to comment on the goings-on (or non) in Springfield, Illinois.

• loss of IL automaker jobs due to plant closings
• loss of service sector jobs to tax-friendlier environments
• increased unemployment funding due to above
• loss of agricultural output and export loss due to high rainfall
• need for increased funding to shore up deficient pension accounts
• major increase in health care funding for government payrollers
• medicaid cost increase due to health care inflation costs and illegals
• food stamp increase due to increased unemployment and illegals
• structural degeneration of the aged roadway structures
• flying Blago home between his occasional Springfield visits [Editor's note: The IL governor does not reside at the IL capital. He lives in Chicago. Taxpayers foot the commute.]
• and many more you can think of.

But these are mere observations for which I can only offer suggested solutions, but later and more locally.

• The EPA already has this in place.  They have the VIN code and Fuel Rating MPG for every car.
• Every fuel pump in the US could have a bar code wand (those are at stores everywhere at checkouts).  Attach a bar code wand to each gas pump.
• The driver would have to use the wand to scan the vehicle's VIN code in order to activate the pump.

if your car is rated @ 35+ MPG, you pay $1.00 per gallon, and continuing thusly:

• @ 32 - 35 MPG, pay $2.00 per gallon
• @ 29 - 32 MPG, pay $3.50 per gallon
• @ 26 - 28 MPG, pay $5.00 per gallon
• @ 23 - 26 MPG, pay $6.50 per gallon
• @ 21 - 23 MPG, pay $8.00 per gallon
• @ 19 - 21 MPG, pay $10.00 per gallon
• @ 17 - 19 MPG, pay $12.00 per gallon
• @ 16 - 17 MPG, pay $ 14.00 per gallon
• @ 15 - 16 MPG, pay $ 16.00 per gallon
• @ 14 - 15 MPG, pay $20.00 per gallon
• @ less than 14 MPG, pay $25.00 per gallon.

Now if you fill up your Hummer or Bentley, probably you can afford to plunk down $500.00 for a tank of gas.  But how long would it take before you decided to get a moped or Smartcar for local use and greatly cut your fuel costs and environmental damage?  Or to decide that public transportation, or other means, could reduce your fuel use?

When supply exceeds demand, prices will drop.

@-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@ @-@

Concerning which, Middle Income Richard would now and for the future like to propose the adoption of the following international symbol for the gas station:

***************************************************************

"Fill it up yours?"

                                     --Imaginary Anonymous Service Station Attendant
                                        (as imagined having time-traveled, from
                                         back when service stations indeed provided
                                         service, to the present day when in fact what
                                         gas stations now offer is highway robbery)

@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@

Everytime's Repeated Media Message:
----------------------------------------------------

* * * * *

It's no secret that one of America's most inventive founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break" in the media not by pandering to the tastes of those old stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with something completely different all on his own. He published a simple one-page annual periodical called "Poor Richard's Almanack" and sold it along the streets and rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred seventy-odd years later, you get "Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack" soon to be selling along the buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy, especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully, installed on a website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson, owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

* * * * *

So far, for the past zillion issues, this e-rag's been free.  But before the next zillion are published, this particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away; and you'll be asked to cough up with as many as twelve U.S. dollars, via credit card or otherwise, to that nutty parent company called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

* * * * *

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission and supplications to continue sending in your cards, letters, ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol' coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts, the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally, of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.

* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!

http://www.zombierunner.com/MiddleIncomeRichard/39

gggggggggggggggggggggreengggggggggggggggggggggggg

Vertical Fototoon

Things To Do In Summer


Go drinking?





Go to the races?




Visit a museum/test your cell?





Impose American values everywhere?





Escape (barely) your drudgery for awhile?





Learn a new language?





Contribute to the economy?





Hit the beach?





Catch a little sun?





Go fishing???





:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)


( ô-ô )
     o

Wow!





THIS JUST IN
REPEATED FROM LAST TIME

Our Fearless, Feckless, Fishless, Clueless Leader Visits Iowa:




Notice: the fish is actually dad's.  Sunny buoy here comes up just as empty handed/headed as always.




:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(




Yankee Folly of the Day:
--------------------------

[In honor of the recently played five rounds of golf at the U.S. Open]

Imagine foolish pilgrims chasing their little white balls around fields and fields of what oughta otherwise be USDA Prime Beef feed. Rocky Mountain oysters, anybody?




:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(

OK, HERE'S WINDOWS FOR DUMMIES. . .







AND HERE IS POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES!





DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles. Often.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and unlimited visas plus more after they retire.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.







( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )



"Those who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."

                                              —Benjamin Franklin
                                                 1759



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Today's Recommended Websites:

Who remembers The Great Escape?

It was one of the best World War II movies ever made, in Middle Income Richard's humble opinion.  It starred Steve McQueen and James Garner and a whole bunch of other great actors from yesteryear.

But did you know it's based on truth?  Very, very real truth.  All about Allied airmen imprisoned in a Nazi compound and how they actually, really and truly, almost all escaped from it.  This ain't your "Hogan's Heroes" BS.  This was awesome!  They dug tunnels!!!

And this website gives you an exceptionally fine graphic display and interpretation of one of those tunnels, called "Harry."

Click on the link.  When graphics appear, move your cursor over the number (no need to click) to display an explanation of activity. Simply follow the numbers and click "next" to move to the next display.  The last number to "roll over" is 16.

Make sure you take the full tour; it's really something to see.

In 1943 work had begun on "Harry," the tunnel that allowed over 70 men to escape from the German POW camp "Stalag III" during World War II.  This was the same tunnel featured in the movie.  The URL below takes you to a website displaying and explaining the fairly complete diagram that was drawn after the War by one of the surviving airmen.

It's amazing how accurate the movie was, even though it couldn't possibly include all the information involved in this marvelous feat of ragtag engineering.

http://www.kerman94.com/tunnelharry.html

Next, we would certainly be remiss if we didn't recommend the following site, in honor of our late hero:

http://news.aol.com/entertainment/television/tv-news-story/ar/_a/tributes-pour-in-for-george-carlin/20080624085409990001

It's full of tributes and testimonials and most of the "power elite" of comedy today have logged in and paid their respects.  Oh yeah, and George has the last laugh (if you don't) through FOUR of his relatively complete most famous "routines" are on video here for your total delight.  Yup, all the "dirty words" are right there for ya too—live, livid, and vivid.  This webzine is being posted late, in fact, because Mid Ink Rick couldn't write any more until he listened again to all of this, many more times!

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"If I'm a construction company in Iowa?  The next thing I'd build is an ark."

                                                  --Middle Income Richard,
                                                     Environmental Philosopher

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From the Department of Bumper Sticklers:

The Bright Rosy Future of Politics

Headlines from the year 2039:

Excessive BART gauss from electromagnetic cars asphyxiates millions in Mexifornia (formerly California):
World's 7th largest country

White minorities demand English as Mexifornia's third language

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwest crops and livestock

Baby conceived naturally, scientists stumped

Couple petitions court to reinstate hetero marriage

Last fundamentalist Muslim dies in Territory of Mideast America (formerly Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon)

Iran remains closed:
Physicists say 2 more decades till radioactivity lessens enough to reinhabit

France pleads for global aid after Jamaica invades

Castro finally dead at 122:
Cuban cigars now legal but President Chelsea Clinton issues smoking ban

George Bush VI to seek presidency in 2040

Non-Cyber Postal Service raises first class stamp to $17.89:
Mail delivery on Wednesdays only

85-year $75.8 billion study confirms diet, exercise key to weight loss

Average weight of American adults hits 275 lbs

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative

Supreme Court bans criminal punishment:
"Violates their civil rights"

Commissioner Charles Barkley IV raises roof:
NBA players' average height now nine feet, seven inches

New federal law requires all nail clippers, screwdrivers, flyswatters, and rolled-up newspapers registered by January 2042

Spaceport panty bomber arrested:
FAA demands all flyers' underwear, foundation garments, and socks join shoes in plastic tubs for Z-ray security scans

American entrepreneurs thrive:
Spaceport kiosks renting bathrobes

Congress OKs direct deposit of once-illegal contributions to presidential campaign fund accounts

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent

Earth now getting water from Mars

Los Alamos lab develops particle-beam transport prototype

Congress sets fares, taxes on interstate human particle-beam teleportational transfer

New AT&T (American Teleportation & Transfer) corporation formed

Already human SPAM (pieces really) being teleportated to AT&T beam receptor terminals

Florida elections still hampered by electronic hanging cyber-chads

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A New Exclusive Middle Income Richard's Feature:



INSPIRING SIGNS!
...and if not "from above" then at least "near the street":

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And now for something completely different...

WISDOM as evidenced by those who watch and rule over us and grant unto us conveniences, concerning which are to be found grand displays of considerable forethought, marvelous technology, and real genius...

This testimony from one Richard H. Macknick, roving reporter:

"I was at the drive-thru ATM of a local _________ Bank—

"I am in wonderment."

mwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmwmw

Mid Ink Rick now spills some:

It's unexplainable. This is very like computer software specifically developed for blind people. Or phonograph recordings for the deaf. (And, yes, we believe both suchlike things as that are EXPENSIVELY now on the market.)

Recall the old joke:

The choir from the school for the deaf performed last night, using sign language. They had no trouble hitting the high notes.


<rim shot>


Perhaps these "forward thinking" politically correct zero-interest-paying-on-savings banks install such Braille pads for passengers who happen to be sitting next to their drivers in the drive-thru lanes? But... naturally on the wrong side of the car. So the better question is: HOW exactly does this work? Is passenger required to crawl over the top of driver in order to access key pad? Do they do a Chinese fire drill? Will all the impatient motorists in line behind them wait patiently while the dipwad driver forwards-or-reverses-and-then-turns-around-to-drive-back-into-the-drive-thru so that his blind passenger can then be next to the squawk box, carrier tube, and key pad???

We think not.

In fact, what we do think is this: GET THE HELL OUT OF THE DAMNED CAR'S PASSENGER SEAT AND WALK THE HELL INTO THE DAMNED BANK LOBBY!  Then if you truly are blind, and driving, you won't be plowing the front end of your car into the back end of mine—because your arm isn't long enough to reach out and read the Braille I've installed near my brake lights informing you they are on.

Thanks you.  My name Mid.  I be here all the week.

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"Of course, our hippy-dippy weather radar has also picked up a squadron of Russian ICBMs... so I wouldn't sweat the thundershowers," George.



Rest In Peace
Our Entertainer and Inspiration
George Carlin:
(May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008)






Indeed, how long do we gotta wait before our last supper is served?

Oh my gag, WHAT do you suppose our hero might have to say about THIS particular artifact of religious "inspiration," no doubt for sale on some overzealous website?

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop"...
                                      --Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

...and eat?
...fold hands?
...inspire?

HERE.  THIS IS THIS KIND OF LIGHT MID INC RICK LIKES TO SWITCH ON:

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"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

Photo credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) aerial view of Cedar Rapids, IA, on June 14, 2008 (Jeff Roberson, AP); 2) Obama, McCain, and Clinton as Moe, Curly, and Larry ["The Three Stooges"] (www.Deesillustration.com); 3) China's National Stadium in Beijing (Greg Baker, AP); 4) fake footrace photo of Obama and Clinton (unknown Internet source); 5) aerial view of flooded farm near Quincy, IL, on June 18, 2008 (Michael Tercha, Chicago Tribune/MCT); 6) painted male foot as if Wingtip shod (Tom Schierlitz, NY Magazine); 7) Oscar Pistorius, ok'd for 2008 regular Summer Olympic Games although handicapped? (Getty Images); 8) close-up (very!) of tornado striking Orchard, IA, on June 10, 2008 (Lori Mehmen, AP); 9) unidentified multi-beers chugger (unknown Internet source); 10) seniors supposedly racing on handicap scooters (unknown Internet source); 11) unidentified cell phone user and art museum statue (unknown Internet source); 12) obviously faked statue of David by Michelangelo (unknown Internet source); 13) unidentified naked male "wall clinger" (unknown Internet source); 14) obviously fake Chinese food menu (unknown Internet source); 15) supposed "fuel gauge" (apparently by Bennett at The Christian Science Monitor); 16) unidentified elderly male beachgoer losing his underwear (unknown Internet source); 17) unidentified male beachgoer pretending to grasp in his hands the setting sun (unknown Internet source); 18) unidentified model in silhouette with fishing pole (unknown Internet source); 19) previously MIR published (in 2005) obviously-faked photo of George Bush senior and junior supposed fishing in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina (unknown Internet source); 20) "Windows for Dummies" graphic apparently by Baynham (www.ebaynham.com); 21) anonymously photographed church's changeable letters billboard (unknown Internet source); 22) George Carlin's book cover of title shown (photo by ecx-images.com); 23) photo of actual religious-themed electric light switch plate (unknown Internet source); 24) apparent Philips Lighting company ad featuring "Darth Vader" changing the fluorescent bulb of his "light saber" (apparently by RNB at an unknown Internet source); 25) immediately below: stop sign just barely visible amid Mississippi floodwaters at Winfield, MO, on June 21. 2008 (Win McNamee/Getty Images).

Yes.  Please!



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[Middle Income Richard's will return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and
similarly improbable opportunity in the future]

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