Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack, No. 38

Third Millennium Almanack
===============================
A webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
---------------------------------------------
Number 38, Valentine's Day, 2008
In the 8th year of the 21st century
"8 yur

out"
© 2008 Rich Limacher
---------------------------------------------

Happy Bonbons,
All You Lovers of Love!

"Life is like a box of chocolates;
you never know what you're going to get."
--Forrest Gump

This webzine is supposed to
make you sick enough to start eating right

------------------------------------

Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else (including praise and adulation) to...

TheTroubadour@sbcglobal.net

---------------------------------------------

OK, maybe these bites might be, but you'll find the real deal by clicking on this:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Best Valentine's Themed Ad To Appear Last Year:

[We're guessing, maybe this isn't exactly politically correct;
but what the hell, have another drink. It's Valentine's!]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

r
  e
  g
  u
  l
a
rare - wisdom - and - fluff
  f                                      e        Happy
  e v e r y t h i n g   - e l s e    Valentine's Day!
  a                                      d      feetures:
   t                                      b    p on scrolli
  u                                      a    e              n
  r                                       c    e              o
  e                                     k k               n
ps page numbers are no longer necessary
----------------------------------------------------------------
(because everything is all on one page)
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Feetures" in this issue include:

a) Vertical Fototoon
b) Durdy Luv followed by Lee-mockery
c) Senior Floodgates
d) Secret Adult Matrimonial Aids (to help prevent :)
e) Marriage Splits
f)   Here's a Valentine Framed on the Nightstand
g) Ah, Beans Beans (the magic seed)
h) Feedback (not about beans)
i)   Romance Aboard The Flatulence Express
j) Global Freezing / Global Warming (and it's all the dinosaurs' fault)
k) Must-Click Links
l)   The Pot At The End Of The Rainbow
m) Redneck Wisdom
n) His Holiness vs. Her Majesty
o) Recommended Websites
p) The Dept. of Bumper Stickers Dept. (a real one this time!)
q) Two Valentines from Howard Stern
r)   Forrest Gump's Comeuppance

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Late Evolution of Smooching

MAN KISSES BOTTLE

MAN KISSES ROCK

WOMAN KISSES LOLLYPOP

WOMAN THINKS ABOUT MAYBE KISSING MAN

TWO WOMEN ACTUALLY DO IT

FREAKY PEOPLE KISS BEFORE LENT

EVEN FREAKIER PEOPLE KISS ONSTAGE!

OK, SO NOW WHO WANTS TO KISS THIS???

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

( ô-ô )

I don't need your sweet devotion
An' I don't want your cheap emotion
Whip me up some dragon lotion
For your dirty love
Your dirty love

Give me
Your dirty love
Like some tacky little pamphlet
In your daddy's bottom drawer

I don't need no consolation
I don't want your reservation
I only got one destination
An' that's your dirty love
Your dirty love

Give me
Your dirty love
Just like your mama
Make her fuzzy poodle do
(Oh, Frenchie . . . )

I'll ignore your cheap aroma
And your little-bo-peep diploma
I'll just put you in a coma
With some dirty love
Some dirty love
That dirty love
That dirty love

THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Snap it!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Snap it!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Snap it!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Not a speck of cereal!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Nothing but the best for my dog!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Come on!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Little paws sticking up!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Little curly hairs!)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Little curly hairs!)

Give me
Your squirty love
Like some soggy great big
Tear jerk on your back porch wooden floor

I don't need your putrefaction
Or any more strong reaction
Just give me splashy action
With your squirty love
Your squirty love

Give me
Your squirty love
Just open up the flood gates
And let more of your output pour

Give me
Your squirty love
I don't think you've ever
Quite emoted like this before

I don't need no reservation
I don't want your hesitation
I'd just like some presentation
Of that squirty love
Your squirty love

Give me
Your squirty love
Just like the garden department
At Wal*Mart equipped you to

Give me
Your squirty love
Turn on your faucet full force
And splash me the way you do

I don't want no garden tool
Or you to rake me till I'm blue
Please don't spade me or I'll sue
I just wish you'd wash my mud off
With your squirty love
That squirty love
Your squirty love

HANDY WIPES!
WE COULD USE IT!
HANDY WIPES!
WHAT STORE SELLS IT?
HANDY WIPES!
WE COULD USE IT!
HANDY WIPES!
THAT STORE SELLS IT!

by C. C. Writers

(With Apologies to “Traditional English” of “Uncertain Origin”)

At the first split of marriage my true love gave to me:
A sticky piece of melted PowerBar.

At the second split of marriage my true love gave to me:
Two gulps of juice, and a sticky piece of melted PowerBar.

At the third split of marriage my true love gave to me:
Three thumbs up, two gulps of juice, and a sticky piece of melted PowerBar.

At the fourth split of marriage my true love gave to me:
Four calling words, three thumbs up, two gulps of juice, and a sticky piece of melted PowerBar.

At the fifth split of marriage my true love gave to me:

Five vi-ta-mins!

Four calling words, three thumbs up, two gulps of juice, and a sticky piece of melted PowerBar.

At the sixth split of marriage my true love gave to me:
Six diff’rent split times,

Five vi-ta-mins!

Four calling words, three thumbs up, two gulps of juice, and a sticky piece of melted PowerBar.

At the seventh split of marriage my true love gave to me: Seven dabs of jelly, (to six & repeat)

At the eighth split of marriage my true love gave to me: Eight swigs of Ensure, (to seven & repeat)

At the ninth split of marriage my true love gave to me: Nine pills of ginseng, (to eight & repeat)

At the tenth split of marriage my true love gave to me: Ten unpeeled oranges, (to nine & repeat)

At the eleventh split of marriage my true love gave to me: Eleven squares of tissue, (to ten & repeat)

At the twelfth split of marriage my true love gave to me: “Fourteen miles t’go yet!” (!!!)
Eleven squares of tissue,
Ten unpeeled oranges,
Nine pills of ginseng,
Eight swigs of Ensure,
Seven dabs of jelly,
Six diff’rent split times,

FIVE VI-TA-MINS!

Four calling words,
Three thumbs up,
Two gulps of juice,

And a sticky piece of still-wrapped PowerBar!

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who is he then?" the guy demands.

She whispers in his ear, "That's me before the surgery."

[contributed, natch, for Valentine's Day by G. J. Valent ;]

*****************************************************************

What Happens Nine Months After Valentine's And Your Tiny Family Needs A Little Help?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details." These are genuine excerpts from those forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley, I am unsure to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am waiting on a letter from the Pope confirming my son's conception was ejaculate and he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do that would blow his cover and which would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of Child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seem like my daughter was conceived at Disney World, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a pot of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

**********************************************************************************************

[Editor's note: See if you can follow the progression here. For anyone who's ever dealt with those "help desk" technicians provided by Internet Service Providers, this is well worth a read!]

From: richard h macknick
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2007 3:32 PM
To: The Troubadour
Subject: the desk cyclops

I have been advised
          (i.e. cyclops threat)
          that my hard drive capacity is diminishing
          this is not an age-related thing; it's just that I write too much

well, I suppose Viagra or Cialis or something like that
          would work just fine, but I can't find the place
          in the desk cyclops to insert the pill
          so Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, or whatever you've been taking won't work

so I called "help desk" for this device
          they suggested I buy some attachment thing
          and plug into a port (even though I'm miles from the ocean
          and couldn't afford the wire to connect me at a port)
          and download (whatever that means) and "save" stuff
          I think those are words in English, but I can't translate them

and they suggested I delete the trash (I take trash to the curb every
          Monday evening, Waste Management picks it up Tuesday morning
          and they only show up once a week; the neighbors will
          bitch if I leave trash on their lawn, so I'm doing all I can
          to get rid of my trash)

so, assume they transfer to me to their technical help in France:
          Alors! Quel merde!
          we shall immediately dispatch one of our highly trained
          technicians (a recent immigrant that we intend to expatriate)
          and he or she or it will arrive at your door
          (recognizable by the brown pants they wear)
          upon payment by your government of $100,000,000,000.00
          for the effronteries the French have suffered by your callous
          indifference to French interests for failing to give support
          to the US in the past hundred years

or maybe they transfer me to their technical help in Mexico:
          si, si, muy problemo por usted!!!
          a truckload of Mexicanos is on the way to assist you
          they are highly trained (or will be while in the truck
          if it gets across the border)
          please adopt them and find them jobs as busboys
          once they have visas, they promise they will work
          and we hope your computer does also

or maybe they transfer me to their technical help in Germany:
          vas ist
          vas ist los
          das komputer ist furblungeon?
          das komputer vas not made in Germany
          vee haf komputers dat never fail, or zer manufacturer vill be
          zeen by zee gestapo
          vee vill fix zur komputer
          vonce zou hafs rebuilt our wall

or maybe their technical support is in Harlem:
          yo, dude, tough chit
          you wanna fix
          any kinda fix
          like ho's, drugs, protection, voters, protest marchers,
          crowd fillas fo Clinton an' Obama rallies, decrepits fo
          media fo ta photo 'bout da plight a da po
          well, like we's be dare
          but about dat computer chit, yo jus tellus whut kinda
          thang yo wan, den lay $500 in unmarked c-notes on
          yo do'step, an' dare be an unopen box a
          'quipment fom Bes Buy on yo do'stoop in da moanin'
          (if it ain't dare, doan bitch; we gots guns fo ta deal wif bitches)

or maybe their technical support team was in a high school in Chicago:
          yo, whutup, hey, like, ya know, Ah knows alla dat computa
          sheet, Ah, like, ya know, stole a pod an som uva chit
          Ah'm mofuggin gud addis sheet, ya know, Ah cain fix whiteys
          mojive wiles Ah's casing his crib fo chit
          but Ah nids daid prezdints fo ta buy me som gas ta gits dare

or maybe they have technical assistance in the UK:
          bloody shame
          we shall dispatch someone to repair it forthwith however
          (regrettably, all our repair technicians are perforce waiting
          in sitting rooms, pending attention of hospital professionals,
          estimated waiting time under current free national health
          system is 3.2 years, but you are on waiting list for
          "first available"; please stay on the line, we answer calls in the
          order by which all are received; if you ring off, any subsequent
          calls will be cued after "last available")

or maybe they have U.S. technical assistance:
          HELLO, MY NAME IS MUJBAR
          please to be saying how I may be of assisting you
          I cannot answer that question
          I will this call immediately transfer to my supervisor
          but he is "on hold."

BUT, I scribe the above unto you for more than just levity
          for I am truly having a system overload problem
          and you have gone through many more of these "glitches"
          than I have had the displeasure of experiencing

and I have no doubt you have experienced many more foreign
or otherwise linguistically challenged far-end-of-the-line
responders than I have

so I solicit your commentary on your interactive (more or less)
experiences in treading through the rigors of the
desk cyclops aberrations

and any words of wisdom/brilliance/conjecture/improvisational comedy
or basic gibberish, may or may not see the light of the cyclopses
of others, but are welcome for the perusal of yours truly.

From: richard h macknick
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2007 6:33 PM
To: The Troubadour
Subject: the $49.00 fix

Mr. (perhaps) Techie Person at the "help desk"
          for the non-refundable fee of $49.00
          said he could (maybe) do a remote "fix"
          no guarantees (except that the $49.00 was instantly
          and non-refundably charged to my credit card)

turn the computer off, Techie Person directs,
          wait 30 seconds,
          turn the computer back on

          ***that should fix it***

but he won't tell me his last name
and if I call back, because it isn't fixed,
all I have is a reference number

what if I give you 10 integers at random
          and you dutifully write them all down
          but after the required time-out, the computer doesn't work
          and then you call back and repeat the same 10 numbers
          and you are told those are not the right numbers
          what is your recourse?

you still have a non-functioning computer
and have to spend at least another half-hour
trying to get the improper charge off your credit card

in addition to my prior email re: different ethnic options per
          correcting computer dysfunctions
          let me add John Belushi of SNL
          as Samurai Deli Chef (among others)

who uses a two-handed long sword to attack any item on the counter
no doubt he could adequately attack the computer
components with just a few strokes

mandating the replacement of cyclops w/accoutrements which could be
reasonably calculated to provide short term fix for all problems
as the newly configured cyclops paperweight

unfortunately, after trying the contemplative yoga position
          and the "om" mantra, without success
          and the "boot to the head" incentive to the cyclops
          and the "push the button, Max" (as Jack Lemmon said to
          Peter Falk in "THE GREAT RACE")

I am left with the spinning rainbow signal
          ("sit there, dummy; the computer will decide
          if and/or when the logged-on site will become available
          for viewing by the likes of you")

and I am left with this unsignaled effect:
          (you can't open the attachment;
          if by some chance you open the attachment,
          you can't save it;
          if by some chance you forward the attachment,
          it may or may not go through;
          if by some chance you try to reopen the attachment,
          whether or not saved or sent or replied to or not,
          lotsa luck! don't count on it)

"incidentally, our service for your cable & phone & computer connection
is increased to $190.00 monthly, payable in advance, with
cancellation and disconnect penalties in full force & effect if not"

From: richard h macknick
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2007 9:31 PM
To: The Troubadour
Subject: consider these advices

and beseecheth unto thee Techie Person
          who haveth but first name only
          (and I may be recorded for "quality control"
          but if I advise them I am recording them, they will hang up)

whereupon I am muchly obliged to spend many hours
          on their "quality" control recording
          (which will disappear were I to request a copy)
          (and which any copy I may make is unauthorized)

under such constraints
from 2:58 pm cst on 12/28/07 doth
yours truly embark unto technical cyberhell

there is a "technician" (Chris)
          who purloins my credit card number
          to charge $49.00--because my prior $49.00 charge
          was for a different problem
          (they're problem specific for billing purposes)

for more than an hour, (Chris) sends me through a labyrinth
          of computer sites (tho he has occasional time-outs to consult
          with some un-first-named person who supposedly knows more
          but whose voice is never heard
          nor whose advice is ever accessed via the same phone line)

and (Chris) directs me to disconnect all connections to that black box
that is the conduit between the outside world and this cyclops

But, I query, what if that disconnection cuts off our contact?
"no es problemo," sayeth (Chris),
"I'll call you back in 3 minutes"

I have been given the nearsighted rabbi treatment:
my extension has been "cut off"
and no call back from (Chris)

no way to identify him
          no chance to have him fix or even attempt to fix
          or correct or assuage or mollify or acknowledge
          any culpability whatso in el problemo

for all I know, (Chris) is but an alias
          his real name is probably Frances
          but he doesn't want anyone to know
          she's had "the surgery"

once again, into the morass of automated phoning I forge
          but now it is after 5:00 pm USA time
          so we segue through the overseas vortex
          and ultimately the call is responded to
          by (Rateef)

another hour and a quarter later
I have visited many previously unseen sites
(including some of those under the direction of (Chris))

my parting comment is that that American Express charge
MUST be cancelled
(lotsa damn luck of that ever happening)

          on something (Chris) required me to do in (his)
          $49.00 "fix" procedure but failed to "refix" b/4 cutoff,
          and push a button
          to contravene (his) button push directive,
          and viola:
          service is restored
          (without violins)

so if we have, despite the obfuscatory efforts of both Apple
          and/or Comcast, not to exclude Macintosh neither,
          reestablished recommunication:
          den pleez e- alla dys bowl sheet
          so's udders may be add vised
          and made wise.

A Short Romantic Train Riding Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently awakened the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

GLOBAL WARMING

by Richard Macknick,
   Cosmic Wit

musing, as in my wont, has today been triggered
          to contemplate one of the Yahoo headline warnings
          about scientists of multiple disciplines bemoaning and
          foretelling the dire consequences that humans
          are causing to Mother Earth

applying a trail of logic to their concerns over the humans' effect,
          there must have been a vast human concentration all
          over Earth millions of years ago, the overpopulation having
          so depleted resources and occasioned such global warming
          to a degree that the Earth became overrun with swampy
          vegetation

the vegetative overload was so abundant as to accumulate
and ultimately decompose so as to produce huge oil
reserves under the now arid Middle East

the sealife was so abundant as to pass on its crustacean
components into the very limestone that even now
underlies much of our continent

despite the plethora of vegetation and life in many forms
          on land and in water, such land and sea lifeforms
          were carnivorous, feasting especially upon the tasty
          morsels that were human, until they were extinct;
          thus no remains can be found of humans of millions of years ago

the decaying vegetation created warming to the extent the ice caps
          melted, and huge seas overran many sections of Earth, and the
          great pressures of these seas created cataclysmic reactions
          to the seabeds, which resulted in tectonic change, forcing
          great landmass shifts and explosions where the landmass
          would disrupt the underlying molten core of the Earth

the explosions sent smoke and ash into the atmosphere, blocking the
          sun's rays, effectively killing life below; and the seas evaporated
          and the chilled overburdened atmosphere brought forth snows
          that recreated giant ice caps and glaciers

but as the ozone layered smoke and ash dissipated, the Earth warmed
and life resumed in the formative stage and progressed (Darwinism)
over the past 10,000 or so years into what we have now

we are merely repeating the cycle
it is our heritage
the Earth will ultimately replenish itself

or maybe it will collide with an asteroid
          or be sucked into some supernova black hole
          or be consumed by the expansion of the sun
          (in which case Mars might become habitable
          and generations hence will migrate there)

or, following another trail of logic and heeding the warnings of these
          scientists of multiple disciplines, the solution is to depopulate,
          perhaps by sterilizing 80% of the inhabitants of Earth who are
          between the ages of 6 and 60; the old will die off, the young
          will not reproduce as fast or as many, energy & food needs
          would be reduced, and Mother Earth would have
          another chance to recover

pick your choice of scientist of whatever discipline to advise you
on which path to follow

conserve where and how you can
          convince the inhabitants of the subcontinents to do likewise
          and those newly industrialized to do likewise;
          plant a garden, recycle, help delay the inevitable

meanwhile, the endangered animal will eat the endangered plant,
until both are extinct.

many and several greetings and salutations
          in profusion and abundance upon your turbaned appendage
          esteemed caliph and keeper of a key to wisdom
          and/or mirth as the case may be

regarding this global warming:
          it can take a while, dinosaur types ruled the Earth
          for some 125,000,000 years
          humanoids are maybe 1/10,000 of that, more or less

can you even begin to imagine the gastrointestinal effects
of 20', 30', 40' beasts eating mostly raw salad greens
in prodigious amounts?

the average humanoid has posterior exhalations 14 to 23 times each day
some of the dinosaur types were 100 times the size of humanoids
those odoriferous fragrances must have been eye-watering

howsomever, my reference to asteroid impact is not unfounded
          for paleontologists have posited that the demise of
          the dinosaurs may have been occasioned by a giant
          asteroid impacting Earth, somewhere in the vicinity of
          the Yucatan peninsula, which caused a virtually
          immediate climactic change.

[Editor's note: Just imagine, we owe all this inevitable misery to dinosaur farts! :]

**********************************************************************************************

( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )

THIS JUST IN

Ah, so THERE it is:

:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(

Redneck Wisdom for the Season:
------------------------------------

:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(

@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@

Everytime's Repeated Media Message:
----------------------------------------------------

It's no secret that one of America's most inventive founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break" in the media not by pandering to the tastes of those old stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with something completely different all on his own. He published a simple one-page annual periodical called "Poor Richard's Almanack" and sold it along the streets and rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred seventy-odd years later, you get "Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack" soon to be selling along the buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy, especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully, installed on a website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson, owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

So far, for the past zillion issues, this e-rag's been free. But before the next zillion are published, this particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away; and you'll be asked to cough up with as many as twelve U.S. dollars, via credit card or otherwise, to that nutty parent company called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission and supplications to continue sending in your cards, letters, ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol' coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts, the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally, of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.

* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!

All Right, Let's Hear It For Hillary!

The Pope (hoozisface Benedict something) and Hillary Rodham Clinton (her royal majesty the hair apparent) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before; and so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive," he says. "But did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but it will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Hah! Show me."

#############################################################

And here's the single most telling "celebrity" quote that the Associated Press came up with for all of 2007:

"He is a son of a bitch, but I shouldn't have said it."

—Rep. Charlie Rangel on
Vice President Dick Cheney

Well, for a celebration such as today's, you probably can't beat liquored-up "medical" advice such as this:

In second place today, however, we still couldn't recommend much better than the following site for your browsing pleasure:

This totally whacked streaming/screamingly watchable site packs more flack than Whacked-Out Sports on prime-time television. [Actually, it might only air late at night. The kids should all be asleep before you click onto this lunacy.]

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

From the Department of Bumper Sticklers:

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop."
--Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

Photo credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) supposed Miller's ad from an unknown Internet source; 2) Tommy Lee (www.SplashNewsOnline.com); 3) Rich Limacher finishing Hardrock 100-Mile Endurance Run (Blake Wood photo); 4) MGM movie poster for Lolita (unknown Internet source); 5) unidentified kissing couple (unknown Internet source); 6) family photo (courtesy Lynnor Matheney); 7) unidentified paraders during Carnival in Brazil (AP photo); 8) Britney Spears & Madonna during 2003 MTV Awards Show (AP Graphics photo); 9) unidentified body modification model (www.BMEzine.com); 10) Amy Winehouse wandering barefoot on London streets (AOL Newsphoto/Bauer-Griffin); 11) unidentified runners & gigantic tarantula (obviously faked by unknown Internet source); 12) unidentified old men (apparently by Sandi V. at www.wackywits.com); 13) unidentified lingerie model (www.LoversLane.com); 14) Greene Street in Silverton, CO, Feb. 2008 (Lois MacKenzie photo at www.hardrock100.com); 15) supposed rainbow ending at a porta-potty (unknown Internet source); 16) supposed limousine with camper attached (unknown Internet source); 17) bumper sticker as shown (unknown Internet source); 18) unidentified model/possible porn star photographed on New York City streets by Howard Stern's former FM radio crew (once shown at www.HowardStern.com).

[Middle Income Richard's will return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and
similarly improbable opportunity in the future]