Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack, No. 37

Third Millennium Almanack
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A webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
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Number 37, Fourth Thursday of November, 2007
In the 7th year of the 21st century
© 2007 Rich Limacher
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Happy Turkey Day,
All You Big Silly Bird Eaters!

"Hmm... maybe, Cookie, we should eat dessert first. Ya think?"

This webzine is supposed to cure you
into vegetarianism

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Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else (including praise and adulation) to...

TheTroubadour@sbcglobal.net

And please note also that this is a new e-address as of last spring.

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OK, maybe these bytes might be, but you'll find the real deal by clicking on this:

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So, How Does THIS Dude Eat?

[We're guessing, maybe through his navel piercing?]

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  f                                      e         Happy
  e v e r y t h i n g   - e l s e    Thanksgiving!
  a                                      d      feetures:
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ps page numbers are no longer necessary
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(because everything is all on one page)
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"Feetures" in this issue include:

a) Top Ten Thanx
b) Let's Sue 'Em All!
c) But for that, we'll need some intelligent lawyers
d) No Thanks, I'm Done Giving
e) Cheney, Nixon, Bush and Ryan (sounds like a rock band?
     ok, maybe a prison yard rock busting band)
f)   We Got Yer #!#$%#@#! State Mottos Right Here!
g) In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Dr. Macknick
h) This Just Done: DINNER!
i)   Yankee Folly of the Day
j) Smart Turkeys
k) Vertical Cartoon
l)   Recommended Website (possibly 2 of them!)
m) Why Not Mail Your Holiday Children Greetings?
n) Department of Rub Her Baby Buggy Bumper Stickers
o) Thanks for the Twelve Months of SPAM
p) And "Jennifer" Thinks You Can Have Your Choice

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Middle Income Richard's Top Ten
Thanks To Be Thinkful For

10. The universe has not yet imploded, collapsed upon itself, or shrunk back down into that primordial hard-packed snowball out from which it originally Bigly Banged.

9. Our sun hasn't quite yet swelled into Red Giant size, thereby engulfing our globe.

6. There are still a precious few lakes, reservoirs, or water wells we can drink out of.

5. The oil companies are still earning obscene profits and returning pretty good dividends to their shareholders.

3. Supermarkets even now are selling certain foods and produce that haven't been completely contaminated by chemicals that are supposed to save us from the insects.

2. There are still county hospital emergency rooms where they "have to take you in" because, hey, in this country we VALUE human life.

We believe we should begin immediately to draft a class action lawsuit against any and all owners of guns, handguns, and weapons of any type, any kind, any description--especially those traceable by ownership registration. Such possessions are afforded by the Second Amendment to our beloved United States Constitution. Good thing!

Because we honestly feel that some day in the future any one or all of those weapons may, or will, indeed be used in the perpetration of a crime.

Therefore, our only logical civil recourse is to sue all those inevitable accessories to such crime right NOW. How else can "Homeland Security," for example, assure our safety and secure our security?

Let us ask of our nobel representatives in Congress assembled, do ANY of these existing weapons right now have "warnings" or "cautions" preprinted on them?

Is there any current legislation whatsoever that requires safety warnings, cautions, protections, procedures, instructions, or even bright orange day-glo warning paint to be applied to all sharp edges or corners of all such weapons?

Does an audio beeping signal emanate whenever the weapon is being operated in reverse?

Does a flashing red beacon warn passing motorists and police patrol vehicles that a breaking-and-entering is occurring? Should not a flashing red signal pulsate around and about the front of the weapon whenever the weapon is experiencing armed robbery?

Should not a direct-phone line be REQUIRED by law to be connected between each weapon and the police station? The fire station? What about GPS? Automatic dialing of 911? Onstar? Shouldn't cell phone companies be absolutely required to be able to pinpoint the exact location (within 100 feet or less) of each instance when some weapon is being summoned and relied upon by someone in desperation?

And why, pray tell, are not any and all necessary warnings, cautions, notices, instructions, lights, guidelines, sirens, flashes, beacons, horns, and signals required by law to be rendered in both English and Spanish wherever they appear?

Friends, you can easily see the failings of society in this regard. Our government has not yet conjured up the necessary library-plus-annex full of laws and regulations, marginal preset punishments and fines, appropriately categorized licensing agents and bureaucracies--ALL of which it must have anticipated though committee, and been lobbied about, and levied taxes for, and ridered-on in advance of any unprecedented criminal happenstance in order to keep us ALL safe from ALL dangers of ALL weapons throughout ALL the future of ALL the known world; and thus we all need to bring this litigation against all owners and possessors of all such weaponry right NOW.

So, please, let's begin to redress these legitimate grievances concerning our safety in federal court, starting on Friday!!!

And, again, Don't We ALL
Just LOVE Juris Prudence:

______________________________________

[These are excerpted from actual trial transcripts. Trust us! :]

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I please get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, and practicing law.

No Thanks,
I'm Done Giving!

Or,

Why I'm So Thankless This Season

by C. C. Writers

There is, sad to say, not an awful lot to be thankful for. There's the state of the world, for starters. There's war; there's violence; there's genocide, homicide, fratricide, and gods'-on-our-side. There might even be terrorism, despite the U.S.'s long, l-o-n-g protracted and over-extended war against it.

There's global warming, excessive poisonous emissions, increasing water pollution, worldwide drought, chemical pesticides, lots more cancer, and now suddenly the bees leave. We've got first world governments trying to rape the planet and then tell all the third world governments how to behave. And now... the U.S. president wants to dictate policy to the Korean dictator, and also possibly to invade Iran?

Meanwhile he and his cronies continue unimpeached and the rest of the country cares only mostly about making more money. Heads of major corporations are herded to court, and major politicans are headed to jail. But of course if they're owed, they'll receive their commuting of sentence or even a pardon. What, for example, is THE BEST job in America today? Why, any staff position with the U.S. vice president, that's what! For him you can lie, cheat, steal, make a killing (figuratively or literally), and then get off scot free--the name "Scooter" notwithstanding.

Rat out our spies? Of course! How else does a thoroughly incompetent administration wage its clandestine operations against al-Qaeda and all the other enemies of "freedom"? Meanwhile, there's really only a handful of CIA agents who even know how to speak the language. The way a truly inept government wages war against terrorism is to spy on all the citizens of its very own country, most of whom use the native tongue. Before the CIA, remember, there was a Gestapo.

But what DO Bush supporters say in his defense? To the best of my knowledge, they mostly say something like: "Well, under his watch there haven't been any more attacks like 9/11, right?"

Right. And this is somehow... his doing? Here is what I think: I think that, because of entanglements and monetary involvements with The Carlyle Group, the Bush family has struck a deal with Osama bin Laden. When was the last time, for example, that our current Bush, Junior, even uttered the al-Qaeda leader's name in public?

Here is my prediction: the next "attack" will happen only AFTER Bush leaves office.

And here's where my overall faith in journalism will prove to be worthy of trust in the first place: AFTER Bush leaves office, there will be a ton of evidence of horrible, horrible corruption unearthed beneath the very foundations of The White House itself. And Dubya's gonna get caught with a shovel in his hands.

So no, no thank you anyway. I can't give any thanks this season. I gave it all previously to employers like Enron, or to our entrusted political leaders like Nixon, all for the safeguarding of our freedoms like from Vietnam, through our great government's top-secret agencies like the IRS.

Our Good Old Governor George H. Ryan

Now Inmate Number 16627-424 at the Federal Prison in Oxford, Wisconsin:

Waving to all his fans:

The following, we feel, now deserves repeating from last time:

I pledge allegiance to the Illinois flag,
And to the politicians that top dollar can buy.
To the corruption for which it stands,
One cesspool
In the heartland
With favors and payouts for the few.

HAWAII
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum! Leave Your Money.)

IDAHO
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

ILLINOIS
Please! It's Pronounced "Ill-annoy." Our S's Are Silent!
[late entry: And Our Capital Ain't Springfield,
It's Stateville (penitentiary)]

MASSACHUSETTS
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

MONTANA
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!

NEW YORK
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!

WASHINGTON
Our Governor Can Out-Fraud Your Governor!
[arguments yet to be heard from Illinois and Maryland]

WYOMING
[pronounced: Why?Oh!Men<g>]
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared,
Home of Brokeback Mtn.

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[Editor's note: The creation below refer to Middle Income Richard's of this past June, which did indeed (off camera, as it were) elicit response from Dr. Macknick, but because Part 2 of that saga appeared last month, he has since been encouraged to compose on the general theme of Illinois, and other, corruption--the quantity of which is legion. See the above photograph and read the news. But In fact, as Richard reminds us, stupidity and incompetence is not just restricted to the State of Illinois.]

since the prime core of your prior missive
was your single wide investment misfortune
and your intent was to foist explanatory verbiage
unto your far-flung readership in the next issue,
I shall refrain from comment thereupon @ this time

yet, I feel compelled to speak unto thy befurred upper appendage
upon an item of probable impact unto these non-halcyonic
hectares at the southwest quadrant of the Lake Michigan shore

and how long it may continue to exist is in doubt
since the entire Southwest is coveting our water supply
and initiating congressional committee proposals to
build a pipeline from here to Vegas and beyond

these truths are self evident:
the californians built their homes in forested areas
which are known to have periodic conflagrations/
big surprise this year, many homes burned down/
the government will seek to use our tax dollars
to help those poor unfortunates rebuild their
mcmansions (and everyone's homeowners premiums will increase)/
the gulf coast residents lived in dwellings below sea level/
big surprise, they got seriously wet, and, of course, blamed
the government for not bailing them out to their desired
contentment, which ongoing "fix" is being funded by our
tax dollars (and escalating insurance premiums)/
these are not natural element disasters, they are predictable adversities,
if you build your home in the river, expect the river to come through your door,
but don't ask me to pay for it

So Chicago has it's own form of looming disaster
a/k/a the transit authority/
for decades the busses and trains have taken in less in passenger revenue
than is spent in operating costs/
for decades the transit management and politicians have been reviewing funding
options, service cuts, fare increases, tax increases, and now have a doomsday scenario/
the proposed solutions? an increase in regional sales tax to 11%,
an increase in state income tax,
any option to get the people who have no use of the transit facility
to pay for those who do use it

the shoulders of the taxpayers are expected to bear the burden of natural
and manmade disasters, but it need not be that way/
there is a readily available option, which our political electorate
refuses to even remotely consider:
downsize the government/
how many of us have been through downsizing, and reorganization,
and relocation, and other corporate efficiency actions to make
the business more competitive?
ever see that happen with government?
no, they get more income for doing less than most of us/
how about reducing government "perks"?
how many of us get big fat
lifetime pensions and unrestricted medical care?
wouldn't a government that is run like a business "rightsize" to cut expenses
and have funding without digging further into our pockets?

government "funding" is analogous to giving yourself
a transfusion from your right arm to your left arm,
but spilling half of it in the transition.

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( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )

THIS JUST DONE:

11. Dark meat is separated from white meat using a light probe.
10. Everyone mentions broadband, Linux or dual-core processors in their "I am thankful for..." speech.
9. A round of Counter-Strike: Source determines who gets to carve the turkey.
8. House decorated with plush microbes to celebrate the pilgrims bringing diseases to the new world.
7. Someone constantly keeps saying "The pilgrims had coffee, didn't they?"
6. Plates have a heatsink attached to them so you don't burn your mouth.
5. The cranberries are caffeinated.
4. Whipped cream for the pumpkin pie made with Dremel.
3. Three words: Lego gravy boat.
2. Pilgrim decorations have red hats instead of black ones.
1. The turkey is given the opportunity for one saving throe before being butchered.

:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(

Yankee Folly of the Day:
--------------------------

That, um, goofy "Presidential Pardon" of the annual turkey. To our way of thinking, that needs to be the other way around.

Please speak, oh Turkey, and we shall elect you!

You will easily do a much better job. And, hey, you could then pardon Mr. Bush... because it's not likely that future investigative reporters will.

:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(

Smart Cookie Monster? (see top cartoon)
Nah. Smart Turkeys!!!

In the kingdom of the blind, smart turkeys stay alive!

This might also mean that, in the kingdom of the blind,
the kingdom starves to death.

Here's Another Smart One:

@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@

Everytime's Repeated Media Message:
----------------------------------------------------

It's no secret that one of America's most inventive founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break" in the media by not pandering to the tastes of those old stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with something completely different all on his own. He published a simple one-page annual periodical called "Poor Richard's Almanack" and sold it along the streets and rivers of the colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred seventy-odd years later, you get "Middle Income Richard's Third Millennium Almanack" soon to be selling along the buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy, especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully, installed on a website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson, owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

So far, for the past umpteen issues, this e-rag's been free. But before the next umpteen are published, however, this particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away, and you'll be asked to cough up as many as twelve U.S. dollars, via credit card or otherwise, to that nutty parent company called C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission and supplications to continue sending in your cards, letters, ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol' coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts, the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally, of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.

* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!

(because, like, doesn't this normally lie flat in a pan?)

Yo, I'll have some white meat, please.

:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

( ô-ô )

On this site, if you're clever, you can find such treasures as the "Evolution of Dance," the World's Record Lowest Limbo (the guy's in his 50's!), an Amazing Card Trick (it truly is!), and lots of nutty stuff that kids always do.

Speaking of kids, this one is truly a mimic genius:

http://www.stupidvideos.us/video.aspx/IDp~1572/George%20W.%20Bush%20imitation/Funny%20videos/
Who's he impersonating? None other than our all-time lowest-rated bottom-of-the-box Cracker Jack prize prez ever: His Dufus George Bush.

And today's television address topic from the Oval Orifice is "Global Warming." Watch it!

And if YOU, dear reader, have half an inkling and the other half camera, set it to video "REC" and have at it!

And then... send your directorial debut in! Who knows? You may just launch a whole new career!!!

"This Thanksgiving I'd just like to thank all those with foresight, who have children, who insist upon making life better for their children while at the same time passively condoning the continuous poisoning of our planet towards the inevitable demise of humankind, and who say: 'well, it won't happen in my lifetime.'"

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

_ _
QQ
-

Best Thing You Could Possibly Do For Your Children:

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Oh yeah, and while we're all in the mood for giving thanks, let's not forget the Internet:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to some sick girl (Susie Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to e-mail, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I can also no longer buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I can also no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

[Soon there won't be any more pay phones! So, maybe this AIDS-infecting worry will no longer be of pressing sociological concern. --Mid Ink Rick, Editor]

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually al-Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers--but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

[Other fairly recent saviors of our society have included Ted Nugent, Jimmy Carter, Jerry Seinfeld, and George Carlin. --again your Editor, Mid Ink Rick, who's been duped himself by such baloney]

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5 bill in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and camel fleas will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop."
--Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

Photo/audio-visual credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) supposed "Muppets" cartoon by Reynolds freely circulated on the Internet (source unknown); 2) unknown body modification model (www.bmezine.com); 3) Bush and Nixon pics juxtaposed (apparently www.watchersweb.com); 4) Time Magazine mock-up (also apparently www.watchersweb.com); 5) Former Illinois Gov. George H. Ryan in April, 2006, after having just been found guilty in federal court of all racketeering, perjury, and other criminal corruption charges against him (AP photo); 6) turkey vs. axman cartoon (unknown Internet source); 7) turkey as lamp photo (apparently http://go.to/funpic); 8) obviously fake turkey "breasts" photo (unknown Internet source); 9) stamped baby "package" in open mailbox photo (unknown Internet source); 10) possibly faked newspaper clipping photo (also from an unknown Internet source).

[Middle Income Richard's will return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and
similarly improbable opportunity in the future]