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MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD'S
Third Millennium Almanack
===============================
A webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of trees.
---------------------------------------------
Number 34, December 25, 2006
In the 6th year of the 21st century
© 2006 Rich Limacher
---------------------------------------------







------------------------------------

This webzine has been scientifically engineered
make you positively giddy with
uncontrollable mirth
and merriment


------------------------------------


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads, subtracts,
and everything else (including praise and adulation) to...

CCWriters@mcleodusa.net


---------------------------------------------

Baud, what frauds these e-bytes be!

---------------------------------------------

OK, maybe these bytes might be, but you'll find the real deal by clicking on this:

http://www.ZombieRunner.com



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Season's Groanings!


§§1.1.  THE GREETING.    Please accept without obligation, either implicit or implied, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, and with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others and/or of their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.  We also wish you and any or all of your heirs, relations, representatives, signatories, agents, or assigns a fiscally successful, albeit responsible, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007 A.D., but not without due respect being shown for the calendars of choice of others in various cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, if that is in fact what America has been made.  This is not to imply that America is necessarily greater or lesser than any other country, nor can it be indisputably considered the only America in the Western Hemisphere.

§§1.2.  TERMS & AGREEMENT.    These wishes are extended freely and without compensation, which is neither required nor expected, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.  By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.  These greetings may be subject to clarification or withdrawal.  They are freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.  They imply no promise by the wisher actually to implement any of these wishes for himself or herself or others, and this greeting in its entirety is void where prohibited by law and revocable at the sole discretion of the greeter.

§§1.3.  WARRANTY.   These full and entire wishes are warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of some subsequent holiday's wishes, whichever comes first, and notice of any elsewhere-stated applicable warranty is hereby limited to replacement of the sum or any part of these wishes only, and/or the issuance of new wishes at the sole discretion of the wisher.



Ho Ho Ho
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
(and to hell with the lawyers)




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Chair of Contents:


 r
  e
  g
  u
  l
 a     
  rare - wisdom - and - fluff
  f                                      e
  e v e r y t h i n g   -  e l s e       ______
  a                                      d      feetures:
   t                                      b    p on scrolli
  u                                      a    e              n
  r                                       c    e              o
  e                                       k   k               n
ps page numbers are no longer necessary
----------------------------------------------------------------
(because everything is all on one page)
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Feetures" in this issue include:

a)  "Here comes Georgie Snowflake"
b)  Mom's Letter to Santa
c)  21st Century Scrooge
d)  Theory vs. Truth
e)  Test for Smart People
f)   Yankee Folly of the Decade
g)  Deke
h)  Must-Click LInks
i)   Video/JavaJive
j)   TWO Cartoons!!

k)  Holiday Feasting
l)   Today's Recommended Website
m)
Dept. of Bumper Sticklers
n)  Santa's Magic for Mom
o)  How to Get Your Computer Fix



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



( Q_Q )

[To hear this tune, double-click on the Play button!]

Georgie Snowflake

by C. C. Writers
(With apologies to Sid Tepper and Roy Brodsky)

[1st verse]
Here comes Georgie Snowflake,
Beating that same old horse,
Yap, yap, yappin’ at your weary brain,
To say he’ll “stay the course.”


[2nd verse]
Here comes Georgie Snowflake,
Soon he’ll be sayin’ half-daft,
“Hop on over, kids, to Baghdad-land;
I will recall the draft.”


[chorus]
If we wanna force Mideast peace,
It’d be much simpler, one–two–three,
To make more snow in Iraq than...
[downbeat] Democracy!


[last verse]
There dreams Georgie Snowflake,
Just like pie in the sky,
Rainin’ all hell down upon the earth—
None of us knows why.
[repeat: two more years]


© 2006

 

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

"I have been wearied by the misrepresentation of my sport by the national and local media.
. . . It reminds me of a scene in the movie, Educating Rita, where the old mother half-cries during a rather mechanized group sing-a-long at a local pub, 'Doesn't anyone know another song?'"

                                             --Joan Nesbit, Track & Field Olympian

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Georgie baby,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



And now...
[after receiving this heart-wrenching written request off the Internet]
Here Comes Santa Claus*:

 


 



Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year.  I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my children on demand; visited the doctor's office more than my doctor; and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money for planting a shade tree on the school playground.  I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint-resistant window panes and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning , or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.  Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?

That would clear my conscience immensely.   It would also be miraculous if you could coerce my children into helping around the house without demanding payment, as if they were crime bosses of some large infighting family of Sicilian descent.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer has gone off and my son just saw my feet under the laundry room door.  I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door, and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours always,

MOM

P.S.  One more thing... you could cancel all these requests if you can keep my children young enough to never stop believing in Santa Claus.

*Santa has asked that this gets passed along to all the moms on your Christmas list.



@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~



"Merry Christmas, Marry Christmas, Mare E. Chrys-Masse.  All this talk about 'merry.'  It's the only time in twelve months when you can get away with coughing out a word that was old-fashioned even when Shakespeare used it.  Do we ever say 'Merry Birthday'?  'Merry Easter'?  Merry Fourth of July'?  No!  So God rest ye merry antiquated linguists, gentlemen, and Magi in general.  Nobody says that crap anymore, except at Christmas."

                                      --Middle Income Richard,
                                         21st Century Scrooge




@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~




THIS THEORY JUST IN:


"Americans have not had the same successes because of the fact that most grow up in the lap of luxury. They don't tolerate the type of pain that distance running demands. You can pass your Physical Education classes in school by walking a mile maybe twice a year. It seems that the few Americans who do make it on the international level have a tremendous drive and tolerance for discomfort. I think the main reason Africans succeed in distance running is many have to and we don't."

                                      --Ryan Wilson, American athlete




# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #




THIS TRUTH JUST OUT:


"It's the road signs, 'BEWARE OF LIONS.'"

                                      --Kip Lagat, Kenyan distance runner,
                                         during the Sydney Olympics,
                                         explaining why his country produces
                                         so many great runners




@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~





Ripped Off the SPAM of Today's Internet, here's:


A TEST FOR SMART PEOPLE


+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
[Editor's note:  Mid Inc Rick received the following via e-mail]


> Test for Smart People . . . I have determined that you may qualify,
> don't let me down.
>
>
> The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
> whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each
> answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down
> UNTIL you have answered the question!
>
>
>
>
> 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
>
>
> The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
> close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
> things in an overly complicated way.


[Editor's note:  Mid Inc Rick's responses, in boldface, are reproduced under each supposedly correct answer as he originally replied, more or less, to the original forwarder of the SPAM]

This it totally bogus. How many refrigerators have you seen that are 18-feet high, 7- or 8-feet wide, perhaps a dozen or so feet deep, and have a hinged door extending from floor-to-ceiling that anyone weighing less than 900 pounds would actually be able to open and close? Never mind also having the zoological training necessary to get some stupid giraffe to do what you say!

> 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
>
>
> Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
> refrigerator?
>
>
> Wrong Answer.
>
>
> Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
> the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think
> through the repercussions of your previous actions!


Another completely bullsh*t rationale. NOW, suddenly, we're talking about refrigeration equipment being 18-feet high, at least 7- or 8-feet wide, and now more than 16-feet deep. This must be a double-decker refrigerated boxcar we're talkin' about--not some damn fridge in the kitchen. Unless, what, you're a member of some race of goliaths, and you think you're now tutoring us philistines?



> 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
> attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
>
>
> Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
> You just put him in there. This tests your memory.


What a crock! BOTH the elephant AND the giraffe are DEAD!!! Even if you're a philistine, you still ain't breathing for very long inside a closed, sealed refrigerator! This test must've been written by some ABD Ph.D. candidate from Bipsqueak State, currently ranked 423rd in his class, seeking part-time consulting work on the side to pay for his cocaine habit.



> Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
> you still have one more chance to show your true abilities
>
>
> 4. There is a river you must cross but crocodiles live in it, and you
> do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
>
>
> Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
> been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting,
> so the crocodiles are not in the river now. This tests whether you
> learn quickly from your mistakes.


Completely illogical!!! All along you've expected us to believe there is exactly ONE giraffe and ONE elephant in this wacky jungle--meanwhile there are DOZENS of crocodiles??? This is nuts! What you do is, you bribe the brakeman on the railroad to switch the boxcar to the siding nearest the river, off-load the stinking giraffe and elephant carcasses, wait till the ONE crocodile jumps onshore to have his feast, and, while he's busy munching the carcasses, you give another bribe to the brakeman, have him hoist you on his shoulders, and then simply carry you across the water. Nobody hurt, everybody happy, and you don't even hardly get wet. WHAT "Animal Meeting"? There's fewer than half-a-dozen creatures left in the jungle!  And, for sure, NONE of them can read or write or listen or speak (or else they'd have read the safety warning on the fridge in the first place and not gone in) so... why have a meeting for ignorant mutes? Unless, of course, you're the Philosophy Department Chairanimal at Bipsqueak State.



> According to Anderson (that's the guy! ranked 423rd!!) Consulting Worldwide, (this is his part-time job!)
> around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong,
> (because they live in the real world, not Dreamland like public education is today!) but
> (yadda-yadda... the rest of this ain't worth your reading...)


So if all this was a waste, I guess I flunked!




:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(


Yankee Folly of the Decade:(
-------------------------------

You will recognize it if you just keep reading...


:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(



Published on Wednesday, November 29, 2006 by Michael Moore.com

Cut and Run, the Only Brave Thing to Do...

by Michael Moore

Monday, November 27th, marked the day that we had been in Iraq longer than we were in all of World War II.

That's right.  We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini, and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it's taken the world's only superpower to secure the road from the airport to downtown Baghdad.

And we haven't even done THAT.  After 1,347 days, in the same time it took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western Europe, we cannot, after over three-and-a-half years, even take over a single highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans placed in a pothole.  No wonder the cab fare from the airport into Baghdad is now running around $35,000 for the 25-minute ride.   And that doesn't even include a friggin' helmet.

Is this utter failure the fault of our troops?  Hardly.  That's because no amount of troops or choppers or democracy shot out of the barrel of a gun is ever going to "win" the war in Iraq.  It is a lost war, lost because it never had a right to be won, lost because it was started by men who have never been to war...

 

The full text of this letter can be found on Michael Moore's website (see above) and was also published in the CommonDreams.org newsletter two day before on Nov. 27th.  Click the following link:

http://www.commondreams.org/views06/1127-23.htm






###########################################
[We can't resist.  If you know about this, then you'll know.
What it is, we confess, is an "inside joke" possibly relevant
to a certain "running man" who is known in some circles as
Deke. :-]





###########################################








Everytime's Repeated Media Message:
---------------------------------------------------------------

* * * * *

It's no secret that one of America's most inventive
founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real "break"
in the media by not pandering to the tastes of those old
stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with
something completely different all on his own. He published
a simple one-page annual periodical called "Poor Richard's
Almanack" and sold it along the streets and rivers of the
colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived as a business
for the next twenty-five years. So now, some two-hundred
seventy-odd years later, you get "Middle Income Richard's
Third Millennium Almanack" soon to be selling along the
buy-ways and Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy,
especially now that it's been miraculously, and successfully,
installed on a website. And for that Mid Inc Rick owes a
huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and Gillian Robinson,
owners and founders of ZombieRunner.com.

* * * * *

So far, for the past umpteen issues, this e-rag's been free.
But before the next umpteen are published, however, this
particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken away, and
you'll be asked to cough up as many as twelve U.S. dollars, via
credit card or otherwise, to that nutty parent company called
C. C. Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.

* * * * *

In the meantime, however, please don't take all this
technological wizardry for granted. You have our permission
and supplications to continue sending in your cards, letters,
ads, "subtracts," encouragements, detractions, and good ol'
coin o' the realm in the form of U$A one-dollar bills to the
above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to
thoroughly search through everything offered by MIR's hosts,
the Zombies, on their truly awesome website. And finally,
of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird and most strangely
distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you very much.


* * * * *

Oh, and keep thinking "green" to help save our environment
by promoting paperless publishing!!!

And, hey, It's OK. Go ahead and forward this link to a friend!

http://www.zombierunner.com/MiddleIncomeRichard/34


gggggggggggggggggggggreengggggggggggggggggggggggg



"I made the school team, and when I won in a match against another school it was the greatest moment of my life--even greater than the European titles.  In those school races, I always ran my legs off.  There were girls watching and I wanted to impress them.  I was foaming and vomiting, but I won."

                                      --Juha Väätäinen of Finland




*****************************************************************



[start] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * * * * * *



Mid Inc Rick on ProBars:
[it's a "sound-byte" ;-]

http://www.zombierunner.com/store/product221.html




Club Fat Ass:

http://www.clubfatass.com


[end] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * * * * * *




( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )



Video/JavaStream-of-the-Month

(Speakin' of "winter solstice" and all, how could ya go wrong talkin' aboot Canada, eh?)


You may never have caught Robin Williams' stand-up act—and it just might shock you—but here... this is just too funny.  Go ahead, be daring, click it:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liX4DmPnl-I


( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )




____________________________________________________________________________________


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

                                             ~Benjamin Franklin

____________________________________________________________________________________




Christmas Bonus:  TWO CARTOONS!



_ _
QQ
-



#1 Is Pictographical:

Yo, presenting...

 

Pimp Claus!

 




 

#2 Is Vertical AND Pictographical:

Does This Cat Suck, or what?












Kinda gives a whole new meaning to that ol' macho advice to just, you know, "Suck it up!"


:-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)


( ô-ô )





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Yesterday's Feedback:

[start] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *


Yo, peebles, come on!

[Editor's note: Guess we didn't get anyone angry enough with the Halloween issue to want to write back and bitch.  Oh well, maybe after this issue--with all the copyright infringements and whatnot--we'll hear from all those angry lawyers we earlier "sent to hell," eh?]


[end] * * * * * * E-letters to the Editor * * * * * * *





**********************************************************************************************

. . . and speaking of holiday feasting:

################################################

Please wait for WHAT???




Eat... WHAT???


( O_O )



*****************************************************************





Today's Recommended Website:

Well, here's "cyber-Christmas" for ya:

Click on this and watch the penguin write your name in the snow—no, not that way!  Well, you'll see...

http://www.star28.net/snow.html

 

[It also works as a cool messaging device for sending "wishes and greetings" to all your e-mail friends!  Yo, they'll be thrilled.]

Thanks to Greg Valent for alerting us to this way-fab cyber toy.


*****************************************************************



(O-O)
  ~



Seasonal Sign (of the times) Sighted
by the Department of Bumper Sticklers:


_______________________________
|                                                              |
|                      Ho Ho Ho                           |
|                (only in Nevada)                    |
|______________________________|






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe."
                                  
--Dr. Elmo

Jus' LQQGUH:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


OK, so finally, here is that miracle-for-a-mom
(the one who wrote that heart-wrenching letter earlier)
that Santa so magically gave (us):

 






I'd say she got her waist back, wouldn't you?
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #



_ _
QQ
-



WHAT?  You Say Your Whole Computer
Just Crashed?


Well, here's the best way we've seen how to fix it:









"Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop."
                                              --Lewis Carroll, from Alice in Wonderland


Photo/audio credits for this issue (top to bottom): 1) Suzy Snowflake tune per free download (http://www.prose-n-poetry.com/christmas_song/87); 2) running truck cab (unknown Internet source); 3) Pimp Claus modeled after tshirthell.com; 4) Straw sucking cat (unknown Internet source); 5) Restaurant lobby "welcome" sign (Rich Limacher photo); 6) Unidentified model at muscletease.com; 7) Computer CPU tower as beer tap (unknown Internet source).


"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein



# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

[Middle Income Richard's will return
at some as yet unimaginable, non-specific, and
similarly improbable opportunity in the future]

==================================

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