MIDDLE INCOME RICHARD'S
Third Millennium
Almanack
===============================
An
webzine published every now and again
via the Internet, which should, in the
coming
thousand years, save a few wads of paper
and spare a whole bunch of
trees.
---------------------------------------------
Number
31, Spring 2006
In the 6th year of the 21st
century
© 2006 Rich
Limacher
---------------------------------------------
Everybody wants to be
on "Reality TV"
Including Osama bin Laden's
niece*!
------------------------------------
This
webzine is mostly
supposed to disturb
you enough so you'll
start thinking about
what's going to come
long after
you're gone
------------------------------------
Please send editorial material, immaterial, ads,
subtracts,
and everything else to:
---------------------------------------------
Baud, what frauds these e-bytes be!
---------------------------------------------
Then you can click on this for
the genuine stuff:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Yes, there she is, Ms. Wafah Dufour Bin Ladin, who last year,
rather scantily--if at all--clad, posed for GQ magazine and now
wants to continue on her "quest for stardom" via some sort of American reality
TV show--based, naturally, on her own life. Ms. Dufour, who says she has
officially dropped those rather infamous last two words from her last name, is
in fact the daughter of Public Enemy Number One's half-brother Yeslama and
Carmen Bin Ladin, whose last names are spelled a bit differently from
Osama's.
So far we don't
know what will be the broadcast vehicle of choice to catapult herself into
"stardom," but according to her publicist ReganMedia President Judith Regan,
"her story will bridge the gap that people feel exists between the cultures she
has lived in."
We're thinking the
mini series ought to be a cross between "The Bachelorette" and "The Amazing
Race." How about this for a concept: "Which of 24 available single
American commercial pilots will Osama's niece choose to hop on a plane and get
the hell out of the country with just as fast as she can?"
Let's call
it, "The Dare We Spring Her
Show."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chair of
Contents:
r
e
g
u
l
a
rare - wisdom - and - fluff
f
e Happy
e v
e r y t h i n g - e l s e Spring(er)!
a
d feetures:
t
b p on scrolli
u
a e
n
r
c e
o
e
k k
n
p
s page numbers are no longer
necessary
----------------------------------------------------------------
(because
everything is all on one
page)
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Feetures" in this issue
include:
a) Osama-mama, where ya Bin
Ladin?
b) "Forgotten Dead
President's" Long Overdue Birthday Party
c) Irish
Mutt
d) Prizewinning
Poetry
e) Twin Opinions on Spring
Break
f) Kermit Jagger, what a toadal bastard!
g) Yankee Folly of the
Day
h) Halloween
Revisited
i) <updated> Media
Message
j) Must-Clicks & Free
Promos
k) Video/JavaJive (free "movie"
clip!)
l) Dept. of Bumper
Sticklers
m) c. c. ceesonal
poetry
n) Vertical Cartoon
o) Twin Brilliance in U.S. Leadership
p) Trillion Bucks Ultra
q) Feedback
r)
Photo ID Quiz (and Helpful Counterfeit
Service)
s) Today's Recommended Websites
t) Great White Hunter with "Extras"
and
u) The Twin-Headed Snake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
( Q_Q )
How in the World Could We Have Missed
This?
"HAPPY 300th
BIRTHDAY,
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uncle Ben's
most strangely distant cousin Middle Income Richard now wishes his dear old
forefather dude a very happy belated birthday. Mid Inc Rick woulda "been
there and done that" a heckuva lot sooner, except for this MAJOR
technological breakdown [including, but not limited to:
switching phone and/or ISP companies, installing--or attempting to--this
here new whiz-bang DSL service, and ultimately now entering into a serious,
though pleasant, major symbiotic professional relationship to put this
entire dubious "penny almanack" on-line, into a website, and available to
the throngs and multitudes 24/7 for the rest of eternity]. M.I. Rick's not
sure whether his great-great-great-etc. strange Unc would be pleased, but surely
"the spirit of invention" still thrives today as it doubtless did then...
but even Rick has to admit: Franklin's press, postal service, lending
library, kite, and stove were one helluva lot simpler concepts to manage than
deciphering HTML language to plop new poop on the Internet.
Here, for the
record, is the exact date on which the great man was born: January 17,
1706. So today this makes our pseudo dead prez* on the hundred buck bill a
fraction over 300-1/6th years old!
M.I. Rick would
therefore like to e-mail something else "Uncle Ben" never heard of (a
cyber-greeting
card):
http://bensguide.gpo.gov/
(Click on "Learn about Ben")
Now then,
here's further sampling of "technological breakdown" (call it clerical
oversight...probably) -- the type of which Ben Franklin also never experienced;
but, we're guessing, stupid typesetters abounded even in his day. Imagine
"publishing" an entire "website" conceived and dedicated to the tercentennial
celebration on one man's birthday... and then NEVER STATING the exact date of
his birth!
You think we're
kidding?
OK, Bunky,
click this:
Closest date we see there is 1-18-06,
which is wrong!
All right. Since nobody's old enough to remember anyway, let's
just dig on some of the still-preserved rap the original ol' fat "Great One"
spouted "back in the day":
(It's a webpage
full of his quotes. We like the last one at the bottom of the
page.)
*BTW, for
all the "historically challenged" out there, here's a jive-talkin' big bucks
hint: Ben Franklin, though dead, was never a
president.
#$1QQ#$1QQ#$1QQ#$1QQ#$1QQ#$1QQ#$1QQ#
@
@
@
|
\
And Now For All You "Irish" Out There
:)
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish
countryside except for a pet dog that he had for a long time.
The dog
finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is
dead. Could you possibly be sayin' a Mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer, "No, we cannot be havin'
services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what: there is
this new denomination down the road a ways--and no tellin' what they
believe in--and so maybe they will do somethin' for the animal."
Muldoon
said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to
donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Why didn't you be
tellin' me the dog was Catholic!"
--Thanks be goin' out to Greg Valent for this wee bit o' blarney
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@
THIS *JUST*
(ha ha) IN:
Selected for
publication in the Best New Poets of 1988, page 148,
one of those
"prizewinning" national poetry contest publications where,
if you agree ahead of
time to buy the book,
you "win" the national
prize of having your poem published.
I DO MY DOO IN A PRIVATE
PLACE
By C. C. Writers
©
1988
I do my doo in a private
place
I certainly don't wish to discredit
my race
Man has a babit of saving his
face,
So I do my doo in the private
place.
I do my work in a working
place
I don't prefer making it a federal
case
Or have my financing fall from
grace,
So I do my work in the working
place.
I chomp my chow in an eating
place
I never allow morsels to go to
waste
Actually I have rather demanding
taste,
So I chomp my chow in the eating
place.
I snooze at night in a sleeping
place
I simply can't afford to continue
this pace
Naturally I never insist on a bed of
lace,
But I do have to have my sleeping
place.
I sent this poem to the sending
place
After I wrote it down in the working
place
And talked it over at the eating
place
And slept on it some at the sleeping
place--
Long after I thought it up in the
private place.
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
#
What's Wrong With This
Picture?
[hint: it was taken during
spring break]
This, according to the Associated Press
[thanks for letting MIR borrow, BTW ;] and launched over the whole wide world
via Yahoo! and the Internet, is a photograph taken around the time of spring
break in no other place on the planet than Milner Library on the campus of
Illinois State University. Well, dang! ISU happens to be Mid Inc
Rick's alma mater!
So, a coupla footnotes may be
necessary:
1. This is a new Milner
Library. The old one where Rick hung out might be rubble by now, no thanks
to Rick and the hippie/yippie protest movements of the '60s.
2. Rick never saw anybody in Milner
Library during spring break. And certainly never any body like
this!
3. Those weird machines on the tabletops
must also be new. Rick never saw them "back in the day," and STILL has no
clue what the hell they are.
4. Why is this chick not doing her
work? [And where are her: books, notes, papers, pencils, piercings, and
tattoos? :-]
5. And finally, when "illustrious"
alumnus Middle Income Richard tried to e-mail a free webzine subscription to all
the old gang at I-State? They said: "No thanks. Please remove
us from your distribution list. We don't want our Inboxes full of
spam."
What's Right With This
One?
[also snapped during
spring break]
"Beer is proof that God
loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin
Franklin
Let's Get Back
to the Irish Green of Springtime:
First this:
Our Hero, Mick Jagger, at the Academy Awards... toading along with
him...
...the very latest in babymaking machinery.
Oh,
that is just TOAD-ally too cute!
|
Nah, we mean this:
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ +
And Now
For Something
Amphibiously Interesting
+ + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + + + + + +
Our Hero pointing the
finger of paternity at somebody else!
A
frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss
Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a
holiday."
Patty
looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name
is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger; and that it's okay, he knows the
bank manager.
Patty
explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The
frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly
formed.
Very
confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager
and disappears into a back office.
She
finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use
this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
The
bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's
a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
Stone."
--captured off the Internet
and sent in by Ida Hey
Have a nice spring break! |
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+
Also
from the Internet:
"When we drink, we get
drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to
heaven!"
--Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause pregnancy.
:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(
:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(
Yankee Folly of the
Day:
------------------------------------------
An overheard
recent conversation.
He: What
do you know about Ben Franklin?
She: Oh,
it was a wonderful dime store. We used to go there all the time as kids
and spend our allowance money. They had great little toys and
things. But I think most of the Ben Franklins are gone
now.
:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(
:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(:-(
Hey! Speaking
[last time] of great
Halloween
costumes:
Hollywood is now making an X-men sequel!!!
[Go ahead, take one good guess what Rebecca
Romijn-Ex-Stamos is wearing]
Ô Ô
o
Also, Ain't a Limo about the Same as a
Hearse?
He: What's the difference
between
an Irish
wedding and an Irish wake?
She: One less drunk.
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Everytime's Repeated Media
Message:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*
*
*
* *
It's no secret that one of America's most
inventive
founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin, got his first real
"break"
in the media by not pandering to the tastes of those
old
stodgy publishers of his time, but by coming up with
something
completely different all on his own. He published
a simple one-page
annual periodical called "Poor Richard's
Almanack" and sold it along the
streets and rivers of the
colonies for a penny apiece. And it thrived
as a business
for the next twenty-five years. So now, some
two-hundred
seventy-odd years later, you get "Middle Income
Richard's
Third Millennium Almanack" soon to be selling
along the
buy-ways and
Java-streams of the Internet for a buck a copy,
especially now that it's been miraculously, and
successfully,
installed on a website. And for that Mid
Inc Rick owes a
huge debt of gratitude to D.C. Lundell and
Gillian Robinson,
owners and founders
of ZombieRunner.com.
*
*
*
* *
So far, for the past umpteen
issues, this e-rag's been free.
But before the next umpteen are published,
however, this
particular freedom of yours might somehow be taken
away,
and you'll be asked to surrender as many as
twelve U.S. dollars,
via credit card or otherwise, to the dictatorial parent
company
called C. C.
Writers, at P.O. Box 963, Matteson, IL 60443 USA.
In the meantime, however, please don't
take all this
technological wizardry for
granted. You have our permission
and supplications to continue sending in
your cards, letters,
ads, "subtracts," encouragements,
detractions, and good ol'
coin o' the
realm in the form of U$A
one-dollar bills to
the
above-mentioned post office box; and you're also invited to
thoroughly search through everything
offered by MIR's
hosts,
the Zombies, on their truly awesome
website. And
finally,
of course, Uncle Ben Franklin's weird
and most strangely
distant cousin M.I. Richard thanks you
very much.
*
*
*
* *
Oh, and keep thinking "green" to
help save our environment
by promoting
paperless publishing!!!
gggggggggggggggggggggreengggggggggggggggggggggggg
"Only two concepts
I'm pretty sure of: perdition and taxation, and I ain't all that positive
about the first."
--Mid Ink Rick
/ / \ \ /
/ \ / / \ \ / / \ \ / / \
More Franklin-like Wisdom from Yet
Another Dead Man:
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading."
--Henny
Youngman
*****************************************************************
[start] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * *
* * * *
Hey, if you're still runnin'...
(and ya ain't
dead yet)
...you need to do some shopping
here!
[end] * * * * * * Must-Click Links * * * *
* * *
--------------------------------
[start] * * * * * * Free Promos * * * * * *
*
1-800-HELP-NOW
or, if lines are busy, try:
This is a serious public service. Especially in
this day and age when both natural and manmade disasters seem so
prevalent. If another one happened tomorrow, for example, would you
know which number to call or what website to access?
The Family Links Registry is another
one:
Call 1-877-LOVED-1S to help you locate
anyone missing in a disaster
area.
--------------------------------
Also,
as always, be sure to check out Running
Delights at:
http://www.runningdelights.com
...for many of your
running/walking/sporting
personal and/or gift-giving needs. Like, for
example,
something special for that special
someone
you do (or would like to) "sport"
with?
0 -
v
--------------------------------
Here's one last friendly
professional promotion:
If it's custom furniture you'd like in your home
or
workplace, you couldn't do better than asking ERDMAN
WOODWORKING of
Silverton, Colorado, to build it exactly to
your specifications. Write
to Eric at this e-mail address:
"Tell 'em
you were sent by Mid Ink Rick!"
[end] * * * * * * Free
Promos * * * * * * *
( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) (
@-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )
Video/JavaStream-of-the-Month
Quick. Click this,
unless you're real sensitive to pseudo-religious issues.
[This has nothing to do with "religion." It exists in the
same vein as "Godspell" did--only funnier.]
( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) (
@-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ ) ( @-@ )
Latest Eye Candy Sight-For-Sore-Eyes
from the Cited Department of Bumper Sticklers:
__________________________________________________________
|
|
| Who Should Sit On The Supreme Court?
|
|
Justass Anna Nicole
Smith |
|__________________________________________________________|
____________________________________________________________________________________
Seasonal
Poetry:
anycar drove in a pretty wow
town
by c.
c. writers
©
2006
(with apologies, of course, to e. e.
cummings)
anycar drove in a pretty wow
town
(with up so flat and three tires
down)
this summer winter autumn
isn't
she sang his did she danced her
didn't.
Women and men(both fit and
small)
cared for everyone not at
all
they sowed their buz they reaped
their whiz
did not quite know what sunshine
is
iTechs guessed(but only a
few
and down they'd scroll as up they
thru)
that autumn winter then came
spring
dong men gone they looked for
ding
schoolean Boolean and page by
leaf
she laughed his ploy she spied his
brief
bird by street and plow by
puhl
fit as anyone's noone's
fool
someone suddenly took his
chance
laughed his cry and did his
dance
(sleep wake toss and
hope)she'd
said her nevers would soon be
freed
snow and winter and storm and
rain
(and only the book can begin to
explain
how running reminds who forgets to
remember
what spell of wizardry was last
september)
one day an author got dead i
think
(and noone stooped to read his
ink)
Bi-Z folk booked his burial
vault
everyone said it wasn't my
fault
all by all and sleep by
sleep
and more to themselves by they
keep
noone and all partitioned by
earth
wished by god they never saw
birth,
Women and men(both dong and
ding)
never knew words and would not
sing
rode their wow and fixed their
flat
and nothing else evermuch came of
that.
____________________________________________________________________________________
_ _
QQ
-
Vertical
Cartoon
Probing The Depths of Mind of
a Potential Psychotic Killer
/-----\
I'm just a good ol' boy.
Or, maybe I'm a champion.
A people's champion. That's it!
I'm the champion of the people.
But, the people are all cowards.
They
are pitiful and weak. They deserve
the plight they've put themselves in.
They really don't deserve a true
champion like me.
==================/\\\\ _________
\_____|_|_|_|_|___
(
\ )
/
This is a magnificent weapon.
A single-barrel pump action shotgun
is truly a marvel of modern American
gunsmithing, even though it's Italian.
Of course this could be used for
reckless, even deliberate, homicide.
A weapon like this would be very useful
to those bloodthirsty mooks hoarding oil
and gouging Americans at the pump--
without me being let in on it.
I gotta improve commerce in the
Middle East.
/
\
\
>=======Ô>
/
/
\/
That's right, it's a quail. A legitimate
and legal game bird.
Or, maybe we just like to shoot the little
bastards
for no good reason on earth, except for
bragging
rights and the trophy.
I think of 'em as terrorists,
flying
miniature 747s.
N.R.A.
|
That's my club. A truly magnificent organization it is, too.
Only the very best men in America belong.
| |
Or, of course I might not be considered a current member,
because I haven't yet paid this year's dues.
One of my staff was supposed to take care of that, but apparently
she forgot.
| |
Ah, screw it. I don't have a current valid hunting license either.
|
That's Harry Whittington. He must be
an
Iraqi
sympathizer. Probably a damned Shiite.
Or, he's just my boss's buddy only.
He's done nothing for me lately. Or
for America. Him an' the boss are most likely
&nbs |
| |
